Society

STAYING at someone else's house and trying to find the toaster? These are the places you will look as your sanity slowly unravels.

A MAN has been appalled to learn from some graffiti in a pub bathroom that his mum gobbles knobs, it has emerged.

JUST because you have money and no real desire for radical change it doesn’t mean you can’t be part of the sisterhood. Take on gender inequality in these ultimately meaningless ways.

A GIRLFRIEND is confident that TV programmes only provide the basis for a long ongoing conversation while they continue in the background.

A MAN who spent his school days drawing penises on textbooks believes children would benefit from being taught about Britain's tax system.

A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her.

A WOMAN wearing a brightly-coloured lipstick has given up drinking fluids so as not to ruin it, it has emerged.

The British way of life is under attack. Poppy sellers are being assaulted. The Home Secretary is being forced out of office for speaking up for the silent majority, nevermind all that nonsense about breaking ministerial codes.

YOUR mum believes James Cleverly is too bearded to be foreign secretary and should resign. These men also should be ashamed of their hirsuteness.

A WOMAN has solemnly pinned a poppy to the strap of her sexy lace padded plunge bra, it has emerged.