Society

INDEPENDENT schools are still better than state schools at cultivating high-quality bastards, it has emerged.

WALKING in the same direction as someone after you have already said goodbye is the most stressful experience you can possibly have, experts have confirmed.

THE worst person you have ever met is once again posting images with inspirational quotes over them on your social media feed.

A HUMAN has been threatened by a small, bright pink balloon.

A GROUP of men playing pool in a pub have agreed that all attractive women present would definitely only consider shagging the winner.

A SOUTHERNER actually thinks his attempt at a Northern accent in some way resembles what a Northerner talks like.

A WOMAN has informed her friends via her hen weekend that the price of her friendship is £415, plus spending money.

FULL stop usage is being suspended indefinitely now that most people end every single written sentence with ‘lol’.

RESPONSIBLE teachers have informed their Year 11 pupils that their exams will determine which of them succeed or fail for the next 70-80 years.

MALE fashion mannequins are to be more realistic, including at least one hand rammed permanently down the front of their trousers.