Society

BRITAIN has cast its mind back to the old times when the days of the week were individually named and distinct from one another.

THE UK has woken up to what the f**k happened? We were all still doing normal stuff two weeks ago? Holy shit.

WHILE the Italians lift each other’s spirits with opera, British people can only yowl along to Wonderwall with their neighbours. And these classics.

ARE you an older person determined to drive your children up the wall by misunderstanding every bit of coronavirus advice?

ANYONE who does not live in a detached house will be barred from shopping in Waitrose during the coronavirus crisis.

MASTURBATION levels are through the roof due to everyone being at home with too much time on their hands, it has been confirmed. 

THE UK’s cats do not know why their owners are suddenly home and getting all up in their faces during their quiet time.

AS the coronavirus crisis rolls on, it’s only a small step from panic-buying to full-on looting. Here’s how to prepare for a fun - and profitable - looting spree.

SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub.

A WOMAN has acknowledged that toilet paper shortages could force her to take the unprecedented step of having a shit at work.