Why the new presenter of Match of the Day, the head of the Anglican Church and the next James Bond must all be women

By Eleanor Shaw, woman

THE shortlists are being made for three of the top posts in England. And once again, we see a numbing litany of unqualified men. 

Whether Mark Chapman, the Bishop of Leicester Martyn Snow, or Aaron Taylor-Johnson, we’re seeing the same names come up. Indeed, some appear on the shortlist for all three.

We can blame the old boys’ network, institutional sexism, or penises in general, but it is time for change. That’s why the new face of Match of the Day, the new head of the Church of England and the next James Bond must all be women.

There’s a wealth of qualified candidates. Gabby Logan. Rachel Treweek, the Bishop of Gloucester. Daisy Edgar-Jones. Helen-Ann Hartley. Alex Scott, the Bishop of Leicester. Former professional footballer Keira Knightley. Acclaimed actor Guli Francis-Dehquani, whose father was the Anglican Bishop of Tehran. I may have a few of those confused.

But nonetheless, and whichever order they go in, we can be sure that having a woman in charge would be a breath of fresh air and bring new life to a failing national asset. As long as we ignore inconvenient counterexamples like Jodie Whittaker and Liz Truss.

Wouldn’t it be inspiring for young girls to see a woman in full vestments and mitre parachute into a villain’s lair, shooting as she goes? To see that iconic Match of the Day chair spin to reveal a woman stroking a white cat, quipping ‘I’ve been expecting you’? To see a woman, dressed in full Lionesses kit with shinpads, anoint a King?

Some of those concepts may have bled into each other again. But nevertheless, my point is clear and all those jobs should go to women or it’s sexist.

Homeworker only in office for the biscuits

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe. 

Brand manager Martin Bishop, who retreated to remote working during lockdown and has rarely been seen since, is now a regular attendee in his workplace and can demolish a tray of Cadbury’s Fingers in seconds.

He said: “Never interacting in person with anyone and slobbing around in stained jogging pants was good, but it can’t compare to free plain chocolate Hobnobs.

“I swan in, claiming I’m being let down by Virgin’s shitty wifi – a bulletproof excuse – then get stuck in to the Fox’s triple chocolate cookies before 10am. And once I’m chasing that carb dragon I cannot stop.

“Custard creams, bourbons, Jammie Dodgers, doesn’t matter. By the afternoon I’m so high I’d happily throw down a malted milk. And they make me mugs of tea. No wonder I’m still here at 6pm.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “It’s painfully obvious what’s motivating him when he’s grabbing shortbread by the fistful. Through a mouthful of ginger nuts he spluttered something about his wife being ‘on a health kick’ and ‘shopping at Aldi’.

“It’s fig rolls and Garibaldis for him next week. Tuesday to Thursday, obviously. Mondays and Fridays we’ll be mainlining Homewheat.”