THE election of a Labour government was a blow for our right-wing press, but they’re comforting themselves with these sad little triumphs:
The toppling of Gary Lineker
Ha! Cry more, liberals, because a man who espouses kindness to refugees on Twitter has lost his job as a football presenter on the BBC. Yes, the attempted coup to unseat him last year was a spectacular failure, he was close to retirement regardless and he’s now head of a hugely successful podcast empire, but ha! We won, in a narrow technical sense!
The resignation of the Archbishop of Canterbury
Bloody do-gooders, heading the Anglican church and claiming Conservative policies to send asylum-seekers to Rwanda were against Christian ethos. Well, woke Welby’s been proven nothing but a hypocrite and therefore wrong about everything. The next Archbishop won’t believe in any of that kindness and forgiveness shite, that’s for sure.
The fall of Sue Gray
Dare to find a beloved Tory prime minister guilty of Partygate, would you? And then join a rival politician’s staff? A broad smile of satisfaction is spreading across Telegraph subscribers’ faces, in full knowledge that with a minor party official no longer in position the Conservative landslide of 2029 is assured. All they have to do is wait.
The election of Donald Trump
Hardly a minor incident, but largely celebrated on this side of Atlantic because it means Britain has accepted it was wrong to vote Labour, embraces Trumpism and will cheer the deliberate destruction of government institutions 3,667 miles away. Bit awkward we back Ukraine and he’ll surrender to Putin, but nonetheless.
Rivals on Disney Plus
Negligible numbers of Britons are watching a show featuring smoking, groping, adultery and an aristocratic Conservative MP. Game, set and naked tennis match, Guardianistas! Where’s your woke television starring non-binary actors and celebrating diversity now? Also on Disney Plus, admittedly, but still.
Prince Harry’s autobiography not selling particularly well in paperback
There is no surer sign that liberalism has been defeated worldwide than the lacklustre sales of the paperback release of Spare. Ignore its record-breaking hardback sales of 3.2 million. Ignore Boris Johnson’s memoir heading to remaindered bookshops before Christmas. Harry has been defeated therefore it’s all over for Labour. We won, guys!
