AARON Taylor-Johnson is hotly tipped to be the next James Bond. But has the talented hunk with industry connections got what it takes to be 007? The Daily Mail investigates.
James Bond is the coolest character in the history of fiction. When he’s not killing henchmen with naff gadgets he’s being pedantic about his martini. No wonder women want to be with him and men also secretly want to be with him.
A cool character needs to be played by a cool actor. Who could forget Sean Connery, Roger Moore, and that guy who only did one movie? Sadly, Hollywood seems to have missed the memo by reportedly casting a beta cuck who grows his own kale and thinks feminism exists.
Even worse: Aaron Taylor-Johnson is a married house-husband who clearly works out. In other words, he might be a bit too gay for the role. Clearly his marriage is a smokescreen and he’d rather be copping off with Blofeld than getting his leg over Pussy Galore.
Picture the scene in the next Bond film. A mad scientist is poised to trigger nuclear war with a satellite mounted to a bomb. The clock is ticking and there are only seconds left to save the world from total annihilation. But all 007 can think about is the decor in the volcano lair.
Meanwhile, Sydney Sweeney will be manacled to a nearby wall with the all-important self destruct button hidden in her knickers. If only James Bond could use his trusty heterosexual male libido the day would be saved. Instead, audiences can expect Taylor-Johnson to deliver a tedious equality lecture like in the man-hating film Barbie.
One thing’s for sure, with four daughters at home to worry about, his mind won’t be on the job. Instead of unzipping cocktail dresses with his watch, Taylor-Johnson will be thinking about the school run and his wife who is 24 YEARS HIS SENIOR like the shadow of masculinity that he is.
Either way, a proper James Bond should be played by a suave, charismatic lothario like Idris Elba or Donald Glover. If Pinewood Studios can find a white version of them then they’ll be on to a winner.
