YES, it’s the most ersatz celebration of the year as non-Irish people honour St Patrick by puking in the street. Here’s how to make it actually quite offensive.
Start speaking ‘Irish’
Not Gaelic, but supposedly typical Irish phrases in a baffling accent. Try: ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya, sor’, or ‘Begorrah, oi fancy some of da craic’. If an actual Irish person looks both horribly embarrassed and as if they want to punch you, you’re hitting the right note.
Know f**k all about Ireland
Always refer to the Republic of Ireland by the outdated name Eire. Assume it’s part of the UK and the capital is Belfast. Definitely know nothing about St Patrick, although all he really did was bully some snakes. The full extent of your knowledge should be that Krystals, your tacky local nightclub in Croydon, has a St Patrick’s night where Guinness is £1.50.
Have a St Patrick’s Day film marathon
Pick the most obvious films so Ireland is reduced to war and terrorism (Michael Collins, In the Name of the Father) or a twee cliche-fest, eg. Darby O’Gill and the Little People, where Sean Connery befriends a leprechaun. It would be four long years before Dr No.
Dredge up every tired stereotype
If you’re dressed as a leprechaun wearing an oversized green hat, a green suit with a four-leaf clover pattern, green shades and a red nylon beard, you look authentically Irish. Get horribly pissed on too much booze containing green food dye, and randomly sing ‘Danny Boy’. Or rather the only two words you know, ‘Danny’ and ‘boy’. The Irish embassy will practically be handing you a passport there and then.
Romanticise the IRA
More of an American thing, but drink a toast to ‘the boys’, forgetting they waged a brutal terror campaign and imagining them to be loveable underdog outlaws, sort of the Magnificent Seven but with car bombs.
Have a party that gets everything horribly wrong
Having a St Patrick’s Day party? For nibbles you’ll definitely want to serve some potatoes, because the Irish love potatoes, or something. There should be dancing, but only the Riverdance. Any Irish guest will feel as if they never left their horse-drawn caravan in ‘da Emerald Isle’.
