LEAVING your car in an ordinary car park now demands not only advanced digital literacy but also the recitation of an ancient oath.
Driver Bill McKay only wanted to spend half an hour in a short-stay car park, but after completing the Herculean labours of paying, the car park, the shop he wanted to visit and all forms of local human civilisation had closed.
McKay said: “Downloading PARKMASTER 3000 was straightforward enough, although I did have to delete every other app on my phone to make space for it. Even giving the blood sample was okay. But I didn’t have a sword on me for swearing allegiance with.
“Then it said I needed another app to scan my face to check I wasn’t a robot, a pigeon, or an alien criminal hiding on Earth. Then I had to get a third app to verify that I had the second one, which also told me to throw my phone down a drain to appease the evil clown who lives there.
“Once I’d done all that, a winged angel finally descended to take payment, but he wanted £56 all in 2p coins. At this point I thought I’ll just risk getting clamped.”
A local council spokesperson said: “How else do you expect us to earn money except by sapping the will to live of the people we claim to serve? The only thing you twats consistently do, even in a cost-of-living crisis, is drive places.
“Really, everyone should do the environmentally-friendly thing and get the bus instead. Don’t worry, there’s one in two days at 6.02am.”
