subscribe
/ Sign Out

Ministers hopeful that pension age rise will finish you off

THE government is hoping to finish you off early by raising the state pension age, it has been claimed.

Britain’s ageing population must now work until 75 to qualify for a state pension, but ministers are quietly confident you won’t make it that far.

A government spokesman said: “Nobody wants to be a burden on the state, and this is a great opportunity for hard-working Brits to keel over at their desks with a final exhausted wheeze, like a deflating tyre.

“We’re also introducing tax breaks to encourage elderly workers into strenuous manual jobs that are really taxing on the heart, like rock-breaking.”

Office worker Julian Cook said: “I imagine my slumped corpse will be discovered at my desk when the night cleaner gives it a shake to check I’m not actually asleep.

“It’s all worth it though, if it means I’ve helped the economy in some small way. I never liked golf anyway.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Embarrassment on Saturday when you ask the shop assistant what this catchy song about giving in to your urges and killing everybody is, and she explains that there’s no music on. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Sunday you run alongside a train waving your handkerchief in order to tell your departing lover they’ve got a massive bogey in their left nostril.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
As your sun sign is represented by the bull, you are the most likely to get BSE. Remember BSE? No, you don’t. Because you have BSE.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Start the day as you mean to go on. Drunk.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Like Mad Max: Fury Road, this week it is generally agreed that you are technically flawless but nobody actually likes you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve already started going to the gym to be beach ready for your holiday. Given how much work’s needed, it’s the one in 2021.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After solving the mysterious labyrinth, outsmarting the cunning wizard and vanquishing the Diamond Griffin, you manage to get through to somebody in customer services at your council.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love eavesdropping on buses because you hear the most fascinating things. Today, you hear that some nosey bastard is about to get their head kicked in.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As the sexiest of all the star signs you should avoid any romantic relationship with Leo, who is the pimpiest of all the star signs. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
TV loves cooking shows and shows about entrepreneurs but you’ve still heard nothing from Channel 5 about your idea to pit rival meth kitchens against each other.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The stigma attached to eating Lidl food has largely gone these days, but not when you’re caught round the back, waist-deep in their bins.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday you go to see a psychic, but get drawn into her secret war with the magnetic healer in the opposite stall instead. Isn’t that always the way.  

Next story ›