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Government Unveils School App

THOUSANDS of schools across Britain are to be replaced with an iPhone app costing just 99p.

As part of a programme to restrict all government services to people who own a mobile phone made by Apple, state schools will be burned to the ground and their services provided via the iTunes store.

Education secretary Michael Gove said: “Choice in education must, logically, include the choice not to be educated. If it doesn’t then we will be guilty of denying our children the choice not to choose choice.

“By transferring their school’s functions to the iTunes store, children can then choose whether they want to spend 99p on a geography lesson, or the one that makes your face look fat.”

He added: “What possible difference could it make?”

Mr Gove said the spaces previously occupied by large, unwieldy schools could be used to build Disney Stores where children who downloaded the learning app will get jobs selling 3D versions of Pixar films to people whose parents had the guts to pay for a private education.

Labour gave a cautious welcome to the plans but called for a safety net for poor children who have not yet been able to steal an iPhone.

Shadow education secretary Ed Balls said: “Maybe we could print the names of capital cities and some basic maths problems on the back of a packet of 10 Silk Cut.

“Then at least they might mention that Quito is the capital of Ecuador while they’re blowing their unsheathed muck up their 15 year-old girlfriend’s younger sister. And thus the knowledge is transferred.”

Meanwhile experts have defended the government’s move towards iPhone user-only public services.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “iPhone users have the most muscular sperm and the curviest and most luscious eggs.

“We must keep them safe by developing apps which tell them where to find the British consulate in Gdansk and how to apply for a new tax disc.”

He added: “As long as we do not allow ourselves to be distracted by sentimentality, then the last person not descended from an iPhone user should die sometime in 2094.”

 

Wax Attack

This week’s hottest new single releases

Das Shittz – You Are Not My Daddy
The band recently reported their producer to the musical ombudsman after he bricked them up into a chimney until they got a drum snare right. The unmixed master tapes were later fired into the sky with a rocket launcher and magically came down again fully mixed and with added backing vocals. Despite all of that, it’s awful.

The Smarm Targets – (i wanna) get (inside your multiplying hut)
Operating on the lower end of the Neck Rock scale, the Targets here lyrically recount the incident when they rode their motorbikes straight through the Maths Tepee at last year’s Glasto. A musical based on their career opens next-month at the Maidstone Flying Clipboard and the band have booked the venue for the next eighteen years.

Froster Panhandle – 12 Quid for the Table, I’ll Leave the Chairs
Panhandle’s comeback single after his voicebox was removed by a judge. His pained gargling combined with the tragedy samples create a surprisingly laid-back vibe. All royalties from the sale of this single will be thrown into a hole.

Five Guys Named Bernie Mapplethorpe – This is This is This is This
Finally, a debut single from the renowned octogenarian ADD sufferers. Has none of the frenetic nature of the band’s chaotic live shows, although you can hear singer Whaffam’s bandy legs creaking after each chorus if you listen hard enough.

Le Squelch Cosmetique – Vinnie, Les Pouffes Militaire?
A ballad addressed to Vinnie Jones from the perspective of the spectre of Buster Keaton. In the song, Keaton quizzes Vinnie on his attitudes towards gays in the military. The long instrumental expanses after each of the ghostly funnyman’s probing questions have a haunting poignancy.

Pigeon Christmas – Summer Dance of the Feral Harlequin (single edit)
A chopped-down version of the second side of their classic neo-underprog album of the same name from 1973. Re-released after being used in a Vodafone ad, the lengthy spoken-word passage in the made-up language of ‘Bjinctura’ thankfully looms large here.

 

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