Badass warns off neighbours with aggressive wi-fi name

A MAN has let neighbours know he is not to be trifled with by giving his home internet a needlessly aggressive name.

32-year-old Wayne Hayes called his TalkTalk broadband ‘getyourownfrigginginternet’ in a stern warning to neighbours who might try to crack his password.

Hayes said: “I considered ‘hands-off-bitches’ and ‘fuckyouitsmine’ but I thought the word ‘fuck’ was a bit strong given that the lady next door is 77.

“But I think that 77-year-old now knows very clearly that I am a real badass. I’m like John Wayne guarding a Wild West village from bandits, if the bandits were trying to watch Netflix instead of shooting at him.”

Hayes’s neighbour, retired schoolteacher Margaret Gerving, said: “I use the internet to keep in touch with my grandchildren in Australia and to be honest I don’t like seeing such abusive language.

“Also why would I try to steal his internet? It’s TalkTalk and everyone knows they’re shit.”

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New app alerts users when their ex is nearby

AN APP that alerts users when their ex is nearby has received glowing reviews.

Ex-it aims to help users feel either safe in the knowledge they can avoid their exes, or smug and prepared should they choose to see them.

Donna Sheridan said: “When I told my ex I never wanted to see him again, I meant I never wanted to see him unless he was looking like shit and I was looking super hot.

“With Ex-it, I feel secure in the knowledge that I will be mentally and cosmetically prepared for our next encounter.

“I was crying into a bag of Mcdonald’s while walking home through the park. The app told me he was nearby, so I was able to wipe the grease, tears and barbecue sauce off my face and hide in a bush.”

The premium version of the app, to be released later this month, allows users to find out if their ex is accompanied by a new partner. Women can then choose to deploy a ‘Bitch Pitch’ function which emits a high frequency scream that only their ex’s new girlfriend can hear.

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