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Ask Holly: Everyone laughs and calls me 'Spreadsheet Phil'

Dear Holly,

Everyone laughs and calls me ‘Spreadsheet Phil’. But they wouldn’t be laughing if they knew the dark truth about my obsession with Microsoft Excel. Data entry makes me hot. Inserting numbers into those sexy little data fields really gets me going. Running pivots and formulae and doing that thing where you select everything in Columns D and C and make a big, colourful, mental pie chart that doesn’t really mean anything at all…….I can hardly control myself. If I could get married to Excel I would. Why do I feel so ashamed?

Philip

Westminster

Dear Philip,

NEWSFLASH: maths is for losers. Weirdos who enjoy doing clever things with numbers don’t get invited to parties because all they want to do is talk about fractions and integers and they’ve never seen an episode of Eastenders and they don’t think it’s funny to write 5318008 in their calculator which is boobies upside down by the way. 

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Scientists baffled by lifelong smoker who still can't make decent rollie

SCIENTISTS are baffled by a man who has been smoking for over 40 years but still can’t make a roll-up that doesn’t look like a dog’s hind leg.

Martin Bishop of Stevenage made several attempts at a roll-up at the Institute for Studies, with each of them having to be torn open and re-rolled before they could be smoked.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When he told us he had been smoking Golden Virginia for over four decades we assumed he would be able to make a passable rollie.

“Instead he seemed to make several small, bizarre works of modern art, none of which could ever realistically be smoked.

“It could be connected to the part of the brain that knows smoking is pretty disgusting and so is actually trying to self-sabotage the smoking process.”

However Martin Bishop said: “I’m a naturally confident guy, I don’t feel the need to impress friends and business contacts with perfect rollies. That’s for students and people with those idiotic rolling machines.

“I just scrunch some baccy into a wrinkled old paper, stick in my mouth and ignite it. Bliss.”

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