Adorable Brummie thinks he's going to be a yuppie

A BIRMINGHAM man has amused his family and friends by telling them he will use HS2 to get a well-paid job in London.

Tom Logan, aged 22, keeps saying in his thick Brummie accent that he will travel to the capital to work in the City or the media, which everyone has described as ‘absolutely darling’.

Mother Kathy said: “Imagine. Our Tom a yuppie. Isn’t it just the cutest?

“He’s too naive to realise HS2 is a worthless vanity project that will still be in limbo in 2040, or that yuppies stopped being a thing 30 years ago, or that he’d never get a job because he didn’t go to public school or Oxbridge. Bless.

“I just love filming his little earnest face saying his little ambitions in his little Brummie voice. They’re so adorable when they still believe in the government.”

A Conservative spokesman said: “It’s wonderful that little Tom supports HS2 and I suggest he writes a letter to the prime minister, Mr Johnson, care of our press office.

“We’ll do a photo-opportunity where Boris shows him conceptual drawings of non-existent trains and gives him a badge and an ice-cream.”

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Have you gone from joking about the coronavirus to quietly shitting yourself?

HAVE you gone from ridiculing media scare stories about the coronavirus to panicking that you’re going to die? Hide your fear with these tips:

Invent excuses to stay in the house

It’s embarrassing to admit your terror when last week you were taking the p*ss, so claim that you sprained your ankle walking to the kitchen, are trying not to get caught up in ‘county lines’ drug-dealing, or are binge-watching Homes Under The Hammer from the beginning.

Differentiate

Continue to mock anyone who’s worried about the coronavirus – ‘The Crown virus? Yeah, that show is a danger to public health, haha’ – while immediately becoming very serious when anyone mentions COVID-19, hoping nobody will realise they’re the same thing.

Get heavy-duty facial protection

Those little surgical masks are worse than useless, so go on the internet and pick up an old Soviet army surplus chemical warfare mask. If people ask why you’re wearing this terrifying item in Sainsbury’s, joke that you’re attending the local Conservative Club’s sex party.

Avoid Brighton

Brighton is ground zero for the coronavirus in the UK. Stay away, and if you encounter anyone displaying Brightonian tendencies – veganism, skateboarding to an office job, claiming their profession to be ‘ethical DJ’ – seal them in concrete immediately.

Build a hermetically sealed virus shelter

A shed, spare room or loft are ideal for building an airtight bunker using plastic sheeting, electrical tape and bathroom sealant. Pretend that the baseball bat and a nail gun you’re keeping around to kill ‘the infected’ are just because you’re doing Walking Dead cosplay.

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