Who are you trolling online?

DELIBERATELY angering strangers on the internet is the UK’s top new lockdown hobby. So who are you trolling this weekend?

Brexiters

Now Brexit has happened, the Remainers’ reward has finally arrived – the delicious moment of ‘I told you so’. Every news story about post-Brexit trade problems, and there are many, is the perfect place to head to the comments and innocently enquire what anyone expected would happen when we left the EU, then harvest the rage.

Remainers

Just because Remainers lost in 2016, lost every battle for a second referendum and lost the argument for a soft Brexit, doesn’t mean it’s time to stop mocking them. Find a pro-EU enclave on Twitter and point out all of those failures, then condescendingly tell them they never understood Britain’s love of freedom.

MAGA bros

The great thing about transatlantic trolling is that America is awake when Britain isn’t. Check time zones, head to a local newspaper in a red state and start making deliberately provocative factual statements like ‘Trump lost the election and won’t be president by Friday’. Then watch the fireworks.

Football fans

A practice as old as time given a digital makeover. There’s no better way to while away an evening than going to online Liverpool FC communities, posing as a supporter and saying ‘I think this might not be our year and we underestimated Solskjaer to be honest’. Your name will live in infamy for generations.

That twat Nathan Muir from school

Less trolling and more indulgence of a long-time personal grudge, but those needling little comments under his social media updates are working. Another couple of years and he’ll be as broken as you were when he kicked you in the nuts after Geography.

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Post dubious statuses

Going cold turkey never works – you need to wean yourself off gradually by sharing blatant lies about a democratic process. The free speech stifling bosses will try to hide your ramblings or slap them with some bullshit disclaimer, which will give you a taste of what life is like without social media.

Incite a mob

If you haven’t got 88 million followers this might be a bit tricky. But have a go at encouraging rioters to storm the headquarters of a divided democracy anyway. It still wasn’t enough to get me booted off, but I reckon it definitely helped in some small way.

Refuse to accept responsibility

Once you’ve tried to stop a completely legitimate president taking over, double down on the insanity by spouting lies in all caps. This will lead to your account being suspended for a short period of time roughly four years later than it should have been. But you’re not free yet.

Try your associated accounts

You’ve probably got some secondary accounts you’ve forgotten about, so try to log in to these in a desperate attempt to feed your addiction. With any luck you’ll discover these have been deactivated too, so you won’t be tempted to tweet ‘NUKE MIKE PENCE!!!’ the next time you’re bored taking a dump.

Fail to join Parler

After a few hours without social media access you’ll go into withdrawal and try to set up an account on far-right loony bin Parler. Luckily for you this platform favoured by conservative fruit loops has been shut down. Now you’re free to pollute the world via different media such as your own TV channel.

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