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The sad bastard's guide to using entirely inappropriate websites to try and pull women

IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how: 

Respond with alacrity

She may only be casually asking about gardeners, but as a weird, desperate man on the internet you need be all over this. Fast, numerous responses will demonstrate you’re a decisive, dynamic guy, and moving from gardening to ‘are you single?’ shows you know what you want. She knows what she’s doing, discussing patio weed removal.

No forum is too inappropriate

Facebook Neighbourhood is as good as a Tinder radius for meeting local women, but rule nothing out. MoneySavingExpert or Guardian comments are essentially nightclub dancefloors at 2am. Keep the conversation flowing, weaving in attempts to establish their location/sexual availability. Nothing weird about it. Loads of couples meet through cyberstalking on Grace Dent’s gastropub reviews.

Don’t be put off by knowing nothing about them

Pursuing someone on a non-dating website means a lack of information. Don’t let this deter you. ‘Free sofa must collect’ leaves open the possibility she’s a shy, single Sydney Sweeney lookalike, and is definitely open to sex with the first guy who asks if she’s had any luck getting rid of that sofa yet. While not wanting the sofa.

Combine their avatar with your imagination

It’s difficult to tell if a tiny, grainy avatar is a selfie or an image from a film. Normal people would do a reverse image search, but normal people wouldn’t be trying to pull a total stranger trying to find out about local Amazon pick-up points. Let your imagination run wild. You’re unlikely to be disappointed.

Fight off other suitors

It’s tough out there. DMing ‘Gavin in Crewe’ and tell him to get his filthy virtual paws off ‘Lucy1982’ risks getting your account suspended. Instead mention ‘there’s some creepy blokes on this forum’ whenever Gavin posts something. She’ll be creeped out by him, and you can get back to wooing her by feigning caring about her missing cat.

Dismiss fears of scammers

There are online scams where people pretend to be hot women to con desperate, lonely men out of money, but you have nothing to fear. Even scammers don’t think anyone is sad enough to try and get laid on a site that’s just people looking for electricians, trying to offload junk and complaining about the council. You have proved them wrong.

Quick trip to the shops gives woman eight colds

A WOMAN who nipped into Tesco to pick up a few bits has returned home with eight different contagious illnesses, she has confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis, who needed milk, pancakes and a mint Aero, was infected with multiple variants of the common cold, the flu, Covid, and what she fears may be norovirus from the horde of disease-ridden celebrants cluttering the aisles.

She said: “Well, that’s me f**ked for the next month. And everyone I work with and everyone on the Christmas do tomorrow night, because I’m not missing it.

“I knew I’d get something, obviously, because Britain is a petri-dish of plague. But I thought I’d get three colds maximum. An infection rate of four per minute seems excessive.

“But after I’d passed the old woman coughing, the toddler sneezing, the gaggle of sweating men and the produce-fondlers, I’d picked up a bonanza of bacteria, viruses and everything in-between.

“I expect they’ll be good enough to strike me serially, rather than all at once. A week of scratchy throats and aching muscles, then a week of chills and headaches, then the vomiting will begin. And that’s how I’ll see in the new year.”

She added: “I’ve planned three nights out and a day at the Christmas market for the next week. Well, it’s better to give than receive.”

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