RESIDENTS of the countryside have confirmed nobody understands their rural ways and therefore any criticism of their actions is automatically invalid. 

Anyone on mains sewerage or who has a neighbour within half a mile is automatically a ‘city type’, rural dwellers have explained, and consequently incapable of passing meaningful judgement on any of their habits either professional or personal.

Joe Turner, a dairy farmer in Cheshire, said: “Right now it’s wood burners, which we can have because we’re honest and live off the land and you’re not allowed.

“But really anything we do – red diesel, battery farming, animal slaughter, keeping massive piles of tyres and rusting tractors outside our homes, tax avoidance – can rightly be classed as ‘country ways’ which you can’t interfere with.

“You city folks just don’t understand that we’re wholly justified in holding you in contempt for being effete troglodytic sodomites who’d expire from a single breath of good manure-reeking country air, while you’re simultaneously not to even have opinions on us.

“Right. I’m off to gas some badgers. And I don’t want to hear a bloody peep out of you.”

Helen Archer of Knutsford said: “All I asked was if the farm shop takes contactless.”