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Now I am safe in Moscow with my friend Putin no harm will befall me. By President Assad

WHEW! Exaggerated sigh of relief! Being overthrown is stressful, so it’s great to be here in the refuge of the Kremlin where there is no cause to worry about threats to my life. 

Yes, the rumours are true. I had to leave Syria, my country and my heart, after rebel forces violently seized power, but don’t worry about me. Old Bashar al-Assad’s got friends in high places. I’d like to see anyone get me in Moscow!

Honestly, I’m chill. The pressures of running a brutal dictatorship have melted away and I’m free to hang with my pal Putin, a man famous for his hospitality and unconditionally forgiving those who disappoint him.

You couldn’t ask for a better bolthole than the Russian corridors of power. Armed guards in pristine uniforms goosestep their way around the perimeter night and day. And so many secret police! Who can reach me with those boys about?

Putin’s so understanding. ‘I’ve lost a lot of friends recently,’ he told me, ‘often through high windows. I can’t so much as see a pal onto a private plane without worrying I’ll never see them again.’

‘Don’t worry about losing Syria, despite the massive military effort and millions I poured into securing it,’ he continued. ‘As long as you and your assets are safe. Let’s get your money moved over here so you feel even more secure.’

So yes, I miss my nation and my people and all the basking in their love I used to do. But when you’ve got a guy like Vlad behind you, your worries just melt away.

I heard him say ‘he won’t be here long’ to an aide, so I presume he’ll soon be withdrawing from Ukraine and refocusing his army on getting Syria back. What a guy. What a friend.

How to make any pint into a Guinness

A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness. 

1: Order a bitter

A pint of mahogany bitter, given its alcoholic content and unpleasant taste, is the ideal base for recreating your precious Guinness. Ideally choose a variety which makes you wince with every sip.

2: Add Marmite

Marmite ticks two boxes for the Guinness-lover: it’s a vile acquired taste which repels ordinary, decent people and it’s extremely dark in colour. Also it’s got yeast involved in its unholy manufacture somewhere. Spoon in around half a jar.

3: Stir in peat

Now you need to enhance your pint’s quintessential stereotypical Irishness so stir in a couple of handfuls of peat moss, available at any garden centre that doesn’t give a f**k about carbon capture. Muttering Irish phrases like ‘Begorrah’ or ‘Grand lad, the Pope’ will add flavour.

4: Tell it about the Black-and-Tans

In a low, conspiratorial whisper inform your nascent Guinness about the auxiliary police force that enforced English law so brutally in the 1920s. Inform it that its own colours were created to mock the Black-and-Tans, which they weren’t but it sounds good.

5: Ritually murder a toucan

The connection between toucans and Guinness is mysterious, mystical and very real. Obtain one – any decent zoo will be glad to get rid, it’s not as if they bring in the punters – and slaughter it on an inverted crucifix while commending its soul to hell. Mix in a few drops of its blood.

6: Top with squirty cream

For the white part on the top, add a whirl of squirty cream from any high street shop, even Spar, and flatten with a ruler. Now it’s starting to look like the good stuff.

7: Top again with white paint

Once the cream has settled, pour in a layer of white emulsion. Dulux’s Clock Face is just the right shade, but any will do. Make sure it floats on the surface for the perfect pint.

8: Sip once and discard

Sip, pull a face as the foul brew spreads across your tastebuds, and push away. After a few minutes claim ‘it isn’t going down right’ and ‘must not have been poured properly’. Order a lager instead.

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