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Lincolnshire, and other parts of the UK no one actually lives in

EVER met anyone from Lincolnshire? Can you even imagine saying ‘Where are you from?’ and the answer being ‘Warwick?’ No. These swathes of Britain are uninhabited: 

Lincolnshire

The second largest ceremonial county in England which also had the highest Brexit vote because four out of its five residents voted leave. Three of them are fishermen, one is a bloke in Grimsby who runs a fish-and-chip shop which tragically has no customers, and the fifth is their girlfriend.

Hereford

After inventing a popular breed of cattle the people of Hereford gave themselves the rest of their lives off and, before they had noticed, died out. Ever since, the county has been a wasteland of bones and drab vegetation. Even the cows have left to find better opportunities and cooler urban lifestyles in Bristol. And nobody has even noticed.

The stretch between Newcastle and Edinburgh

Technically there’s around 200 miles of ground between these two cities. In actuality, there’s nothing at all there. Once you’ve left the Geordies behind, it’s a straight shot until you hear bagpipes and posh English teenagers. Car passengers have reported seeing ‘green… green… maybe some rocks?’

North Wales

The coast maintains a token population like a Potemkin village to convince travellers the rest is occupied, which it isn’t. 20 miles in from any direction is a wasteland full of howling ghosts. The tourists who pour into Snowdonia must never learn that sheep killed all the locals a long, long time ago. They keep one man hostage to operate the cable car.

The Isles of Scilly

The Isle of Wight is second homes for City pricks, the Isle of Man has the tax evaders, Guernsey and Jersey are for those exiled from either Britain or France for terrible, unforgivable crimes. The Scilly Isles, meanwhile, have no-one on them at all, evidenced by the fact there isn’t even a McDonald’s.

Central London

Populated by day by migrants from the commuter belt, once they flee to their outer boroughs central London is deserted. While West End shows are on the streets are empty and silent, with only a windblown bucket of chicken to indicate there were ever humans here. The lighted towers of luxury flats are only beacons of investment.

Chummy Northern bastard advert voiceover alienates everyone from any other region

THE majority of Britain has vowed never to buy a product from a company creating a false air of personability using the tried-and-tested friendly Northern voiceover.

Up-themselves Southerners, the resentful Welsh, grudge-bearing Scots and even those from different regions of the North have agreed the matey tone is irritating and deepens class divides.

Susan Traherne of Peterborough said: “If the brand wanted to make me feel warm towards the product, they should not assume I am a sheep farmer’s wife or a happy-go-lucky benefits claimant.

“I am from the right part of the country and proud of it. We can be in London in 45 minutes, for God’s sake. I do not want to be patronised by a gormless Mancunian who believes grinding poverty and endemic crime to be ‘a right laugh’.

“Perhaps they could hire a voiceover artist whose vowels are not gratingly flat. To appeal to those of us with money.”

Oliver O’Connor of Somerset agreed: “Why would I accept recommendations from a man who would confidently strike up conversation with a stranger at the bar of the Rovers Return while ordering a ‘pint’ of ‘mild’? My education was paid for.

“Bolton is not a location that should be selling products. It can be allowed to ask for a copper in its battered hat as I pass by. No copper will be given.”

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