WANT to connect with more followers online? Follow the advice of a DD-cup bikini model who somehow racks up millions of likes on an hourly basis.
Post regularly
The secret to being popular on social media is to post every hour, if not more. Don’t worry about coming up with quality ideas for content. Selfies of me looking doe-eyed at the camera in nothing but my skimpy swimwear always attract thousands of likes. It’s lucky so many men are interested in beach fashion.
Don’t forget the hashtags
Hashtags are how people find your content when it’s two in the morning and they’re feeling horny, so it’s important that you pop them under photos of you draped across a bed in nothing but your pants or looking down the lens suggestively. My favourites are #bigtits, #hugenaturals and #milfs. Posts with those hashtags always seem to do mad numbers. My followers must just really appreciate the human form, like looking at Michelangelo’s David.
Reply to comments
Once you’ve amassed an audience, you’ve got to keep them engaged in the comments. You don’t have to write lengthy, personalised essays though. A heart-eyes emoji or a few kisses seems to keep my followers happy, although I expect I could type my latest electricity meter reading and they’d lap it up. They’re such a loyal, deeply desperate, bunch like that.
Make a video
Followers are statistically more likely to engage with videos rather than boring old pictures, so invest in a ring light and start filming. In my experience it only has to be something simple like footage of you running across a beach, jumping on a trampoline or doing the ice bucket challenge. Yes, that last one’s a bit old hat, but my followers still seem to find it entertaining so who am I to argue?
Get ‘em out
Whipping out the voluptuous assets God blessed you with should only be a last resort. Social media is an erudite haven of refined culture, not a sleazy gutter that exploits the basest of human desires. Sex sells though, so if the tips above aren’t working then don’t hesitate to get your knockers out for a quick like. If you’re a man or flat-chested, a picture of a cute kitten works just as well.
