YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?
‘Hi.’ ‘Hi.’ ‘Hey.’ ‘Hey you.’ ‘Happy birthday’. ‘Hi!’
His long-term strategy is to reply to all your Stories but cunningly not to come across as desperate or weird by keeping it minimal. You can’t justifiably call him a creep when he’s only offering a greeting, can you? Finishes it with a final ‘bitch’ when you’ve not taken the bait after three years of his patient, loving self-abuse.
‘Thank you for being you’
A polite way of saying ‘I’ve just knocked one out over your selfies’. The same applies to ‘you’re a delight’ and ‘your posts bring joy to my life’, when actually he means ‘blood to my member’ and ‘semen to my sock’.
Random nonsensical attempt at humour
Sliding into the DMs with a joke the 25-year-old influencer he’s following is unlikely to get unless she likes Time Team memes. If she’s foolish enough to post a laughing emoji out of kindness, he’ll get carried away and soon be proposing she cage him and feed him like a pet. She’ll post screenshots of this freakiness to be mocked by all the lesser reply guys who didn’t have the nerve for the big Arnhem-style push into her DMs.
Demand a debate
The only thing your reply guy loves more than selfies in office wear is a factual inaccuracy. Just because he’s spent months replying ‘gorgeous’ doesn’t mean he’s compromised his self-respect. Your factual error is an opportunity. ‘Debate me’ he pants, imagining a furious online argument over reparations descending into passionate kissing. How could a woman not be aroused by public correction?
‘I am technically married, yes’
Meaning technically, legally, practically and pretty much any other way a person can be married. But his wife is on the other end of the sofa watching MAFS, so right now his heart belongs to you. You can’t say he’s not committed.
