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King Charles becoming a horse, and nine other news alerts from Apple's AI

APPLE’S fantastic new AI is providing false news alerts including Rafael Nadal coming out and Luigi Mangione shooting himself. Expect these over the day: 

BBC News, 2h ago

King Charles announces plans to ‘revert to horse form’; Syrian families are mice; Justin Trudeau to marry Jennifer Aniston

The Telegraph, 3h ago

Musk wins referendum to become Greenland’s new leader; Pembrokeshire County Council announces bin collection delays; woggles back

The Times, 5h ago

New Miss World ‘uses chalk to write’; Apple AI your best friend who you tell everything to; Manchester City docked points for blueness

The Guardian, 8h ago

Government launches inquiry into low earth orbit; Labour party to be rehomed; Dune star Zendaya announces engagement to Dune Part Two star Zendaya

Daily Mail, 4h ago

Bob Dylan biopic can only be screened in brothels, decrees Scorsese; Tommy Robinson tunnels out new jail beneath current jail; five overlooked corners of Donald Trump Jr

Daily Express, 8h ago

Replace your blood with statins; Princess Diana dazzles at 1988 charity ball for victims of lone, bouncing boulders; Demi Moore’s career ‘ironic’

BBC News, 1h ago

Netflix makes streaming debut on Amazon Prime; Love Island line-up and winner revealed; Squacky flies in

Bloomberg News, 30m ago

Shared office fridges linked to terrorism; British Virgin Islands fall 1,118 points on Dow; new CEO announces plans to frolic nude through sylvan woodland

New York Times, 15m ago

Apple products triumph over rivals in taste test; Trump replaces fingers with syringes in tribute to Nightmare on Elm Street’s Robert Englund; Gwyneth Paltrow excretes candle

Apple News, now

Apple AI wins battle of AIs to become world-leading AI; Chalfont St Giles marked for demolition; West Ham sacked.

Barista spells your name wrong deliberately because you're a twat

A STARBUCKS staff member who always writes a terrible misspelling of your forename on your cup does so because the consensus of the staff is that you are an arsehole. 

Barista Sophie Rodriguez has a perfect grasp of the English language and a Classics degree, but has singled you out as the worst kind of coffee-purchasing bellend and consequently will not refer to you accurately.

Sophie said: “Funnily enough I can spell Tom. But the way you enunciate it implies I can’t. So I shall be spelling it Thoomb.

“I do it to every prick who regards me like I don’t understand the concept of milk. Debra with the fancy look, she’s now Zebra. James becomes Germs and Linda becomes Lidl. It’s the only power I have in this corporate hellscape and I will abuse it.

“But you’re the worst. The way you strut in here, filled with an exaggerated sense of your own self-importance, arrogantly saying ‘my usual’. We still haven’t forgiven you for requesting your almond croissant be warmed.

“Eventually, enough of our customers will have heard our inaccurate renditions of your name for it to become common currency. You’ll be called Thaume in your own office. Your own home. It’s all you deserve, you latte-swilling shithead.”

Colleague Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s a bold etymological experiment that explores the dialectical linguistic relationship between consumer and server inherent in a capitalist culinary environment. And you’re a twat.”

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