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'Woke' guy an absolute dick to go out with

A MAN who thinks of himself as ‘woke’ has demonstrated he can still be an enormous pain in the arse to go out with. 

Despite attending a women’s rights march last month while wearing a t-shirt saying ‘feminist’, Nathan Muir is routinely selfish and condescending towards girlfriend Nikki Hollis. 

Hollis said: “Nathan’s a strong critic of privileged white males like him. He also sulks like a child if we don’t always watch the TV programme he wants to.

“He says he’s committed to ending the gender pay gap, which is good, but he does keep telling me to work less hours because I’m not spending enough time with him. 

“Also I’m sure I saw him trying to chat up my attractive friend Lucy, so his support for women clearly doesn’t include not dumping me for someone better looking.

“And if he says ‘Why are you wearing makeup? You’re much prettier au naturel’ one more time I’m going to smash his highly principled liberal face in.”

Muir said: “They say women are attracted to bastards rather than progressive guys like me, but luckily Nikki knows what’s good for her.”

'Don't get ill': Britain's 12-point coronavirus plan

THE government has revealed its 12-point emergency plan to stop the coronavirus sweeping Britain and upsetting the markets. Read it immediately.

1: Do not get the coronavirus. 

2: If you do get the coronavirus, self-isolate from any still-viable economic units until recovery or ‘complete systems failure’. 

3: Remain in your home, ordering food and other vital supplies via the internet, keeping in contact with others via the internet and entertaining yourself via the internet. So no change there.

4: Do not spread panic via social media. Use the UK’s official panic promoter, the Daily Mail. 

5: Ensure you do not enjoy self-isolation too much and you are enthusiastic about returning to work, even if the cessation of your job such as estate agent has made the world better. 

6: If white, you may record a daily video diary criticising the authorities for your conditions, whether on a cruise ship or in a Tenerife hotel. If non-white, keep quiet because everyone thinks this is your fault. 

7: Once it has become clear that Britain is in the grip of the coronavirus, all borders will be closed and all travel halted. Brexiters may wish to hold a celebratory street party.

8: If venturing out for a cool Instagram photo of yourself on the deserted streets, ensure there aren’t loads of other Instagram idiots in the background taking the same picture. 

9: If you are Zara Phillips or anyone else connected to the Royal Family, the aristocracy, the City of London or the Conservative party, ignore the previous points. Treat any infection with money. 

10: The coronavirus is expected to mainly be fatal among older voters. If you lose an elderly relative you must vote exactly as they would, as a mark of respect, for the next decade. 

11: When you re-emerge onto our shattered streets, be careful not to criticise the government response. The Chinese authorities have warned that even minor criticism can lead to the pandemic breaking out again. 

12: Anyone who has contracted the coronavirus will receive an £80 penalty notice for endangering public health. This rises to £240 if not paid within 28 days.

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