subscribe
/ Sign Out

Mates nonplussed as man passes on hello from his wife

A MAN has confused and disturbed his pub friends by passing on a message from his wife to say hello.

Tom Booker was enjoying a drink with his mates when he decided to turn the evening weird by interrupting a discussion about the evils of VAR to announce that his wife had wished them the cheery greeting.

Friend Nathan Muir said: “There is an unspoken rule that when we come to the pub we pretend our partners don’t exist, so why he felt the need to smash our suspension of disbelief like this I don’t know.

“Of course, we felt obliged to ask after her and then suddenly we were knee deep in a discussion about perimenopause and didn’t know how to escape without looking like insensitive twats.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’d happily chat about it with him another time, I’m a modern man after all. But we come to the pub to neck pints and act like dicks, which is why we leave our wives and girlfriends firmly out of it.”

Booker’s wife Sophie said: “It’s so easy to mess with their tiny, silly minds. Next time I’m going to ask him to get me some tampons from the machine in the ladies. That will really f**k them up.”

We must heal the nation over Brexit now I look like a total idiot

By Leave voter Roy Hobbs

BREXIT divided the nation, but now it is time to put aside our differences and work together. And stop saying things like ‘You’re a dick, Roy’. Because there’s not much I can say to that.

Unfortunately for me, with Dover in chaos again and the economy not recovering from Covid, Brexit is looking like a very stupid idea. So I say: let’s forget our differences and unite as a nation. And a united nation doesn’t say ‘Tell us about the benefits of Brexit, Roy’ in a nasty sarcastic tone of voice.

Yes, I called people ‘snowflakes’. Yes I frequently referred to ‘pants-wetting remoaners’. Yes, I wouldn’t stop saying ‘We won, suck it up’. But now I believe we should all be friends again. I was only kidding when I called you ‘traitors’, right? That was obviously a joke.

It breaks my heart to see families and workplaces torn apart by this thing I angrily voted for and would not f**king shut up about for five years. If Jesus and Nelson Mandela were willing to forgive, it should be easy for Remain voters to stop calling me a pillock.

Remainers should also stop making prejudiced comments like ‘Roy, mate, will you concede you were wrong about Brexit?’. It’s a form of racism against Leavers and could easily be taken as a threat. I’d get the police involved, but they’re probably all on a Muslim transgender diversity course.

I come as a peacemaker. We have so much in common as a nation. We love a cup of tea. We all want England to win the World Cup. We all hate foreigners like those puffed-up German Nazis, cowardly French garlic-munchers and greasy bum boys like the Greeks. Oh. You don’t. Forget I said that.

I’d like us all to admit we were wrong. I was wrong about every single detail of Brexit and voted out of spite and ignorance, and you Remainers were wrong to vote for au pairs and skiing holidays, which you all have.

But most of all I’d like it if I wasn’t called a ‘daft bastard’, ‘ignorant xenophobe’ and ‘f**king halfwitted racist gammon shithead’ on a daily basis. So if my wife is reading this, can you stop saying those things, Yvonne, love?

Next story ›