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Joining a cult, and other last ditch solutions if you can't find love

YET to find your soulmate? Worried you might be single forever? Never fear, here are five easy solutions to your problem:

Join a cult

Cults provide both companionship and something to do with your disposable income, all while worshiping a charismatic twat who is hell bent on manipulating you. Basically the same as getting into a particularly shit relationship, except with a cult someone will make a fascinating Netflix documentary about your escape.

Get really into a hobby

Love and marriage require the same kind of devotion as a hobby and could easily be swapped out for refurbishing a barge or collecting thimbles with the Queen on them. Plus, hobbies offer a community of fellow obsessives, all of whom will be better company than a partner who would only take the piss out of your passion.

Get an excessive number of cats

Animals are a great alternative to the love of another human, and the grudging affection of cats uncannily mirrors the relationship you’d have with someone you’ve been married to for fourteen lacklustre years. But don’t stop at one – get five or six, which will take up all the time you would otherwise have spent mooning over your ex.

Become a ‘local character’

Every town needs a strange middle-aged loner who intrigues the locals and inspires wild legends about their origins. Why not dress up as a cowboy and wander around the city centre, lassoing pigeons? Your funeral will be well-attended, and you’ll be spoken of affectionately for years, which won’t if you boringly get married like everyone else.

Go on Love Island

If you’ve decided that, ultimately, love isn’t for you, you could go on a popular reality dating show like Love Island. You definitely won’t find your happy ever after among the pool of preening narcissists, but you’ll form some lasting relationships with clothing brands.

We won’t give them phones, and other ways new parents delude themselves

ALL expecting parents start out with good intentions, which rapidly fall apart once the kid arrives. Say goodbye to these plans:

They’ll only eat healthy food

You have fantasies of not giving your child any sweets or processed foods once they’re weaned and raising them on a diet of organic vegetables and quinoa. Five minutes into your first supermarket trip with a screaming toddler however, and you’ll be handing over bags of donuts just to shut her up.

We won’t give them phones

You once read an article about brain development in the Guardian and now act all snooty when you see haggard looking parents letting their toddlers chew on their iPhones. You’ll change your tune pretty quick and happily hand over your phone as long as it stops them throwing more yoghurt on the dog.

Only an hour of television a day

In your head, your child will grow up frolicking in the outdoors, engaging their imagination while they play in rolling fields. In reality, you live in a third-floor flat in Walthamstow, so there’s only so long you can force them to play on the balcony before giving in and letting them watch five hours of Paw Patrol.

Get them to learn an instrument young

Some deluded part of you thinks that if you give them a keyboard as a toddler they’ll become the next Mozart and you’ll become a multimillionaire by the time they’re eight. However after a couple of days of your talentless child hitting the keyboard with a spoon, you’ll give it to a charity shop.

Never swear in front of them

Conscious that you don’t want to pollute their impressionable young mind with foul language, you’ll train yourself to use idiotic phrases like ‘fiddlesticks’. However, the first time you accidentally stand barefoot on a plastic dinosaur you’ll start swearing like a docker. The next thing you know your child’s going to school sounding like a miniature Danny Dyer.

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