HAS your son turned up with an absolutely stunning new girlfriend? Here’s how to react without giving away the fact that you’d happily shag her yourself.
Don’t stare. Not more than you can help, anyway. She’ll pick up on it straight away and mark you down as just another lecherous old twat. In particular – and this is a good life lesson in general – don’t obviously gawp at her tits. Your son can’t say anything because he’s doing exactly that himself, but your wife will. She’ll have a lot to say later, and it won’t be suggesting a threesome.
Avoid pathetic attempts to impress her. You’re just some old bloke she’s obliged to be nice to, and won’t be the slightest bit in awe of the fact you used to be in a band or ride a motorbike. Definitely don’t creep her out, because the last thing you want is her telling her friends her boyfriend’s dad is a bit of a paedo. That would be heartbreaking, coming from the woman you love, which you just decided in the last five minutes.
Act indifferent about her to your wife. Your partner will have noticed how stunning she is, and the moment she’s gone will say to you: ‘Gosh, isn’t Tom’s new girlfriend pretty?’ This is a trap. Avoid being ensnared by replying with a vague shrug of the shoulders. She’ll know you’re faking it, but there’s no hard evidence and she’ll hopefully at least appreciate you trying.
Avoid asking her about her mother. The kid’s obviously from good-looking stock, and her mum will be about your age, so there will be an incredible temptation to slyly question her. Don’t. Just surreptitiously hunt down mum on Facebook instead. It’s perfectly acceptable and normal if you do it that way.
Resist the ‘hello hug’. Much as you’d love to get that bit more up close and personal, it’ll be more transparent than Johnson lying about Partygate. You’ve only just met, so attempting to embrace like you’re old friends would be weird. And you’re bound to hold on for a fraction too long, which will only drop you in the shit with your partner again.
Relieve the sexual tension with a wank in the bathroom. Not ideal, and pretty disgusting in fact, but it’s preferable to sitting there with a cushion over your lap all evening. With that out of the way you can get to know new girlfriend as a person. You’ve already noticed she’s highly intelligent and very funny, and probably your mature, sensible attitude to sex is pretty attractive, in a way… no, don’t start that again.
