LOVED up, but not inducing as much nausea as other couples? Follow these tips to become the most in-your-face sweethearts the world has ever despised:
Cling constantly
Don’t just occupy space near your significant other. Aggressively drape your body over them like they’re the only life raft in the ocean and you’re that twat from Titanic. Act like 30 seconds without skin-on-skin contact could kill. Pointedly tap their arm to assert ownership as if they’re an errant dog liable to break for the horizon.
Refuse to have any independent life
A treasured friend going through a tough time and wants to meet up? Bring your boyfriend. Old pal you’ve not seen for a few years made an effort to see you? Be accompanied by your girlfriend throughout. Being an individual is so passé. Fuse yourselves together inextricably and march in synchrony to all your joint activities.
Wear matching outfits
Christmas jumpers are for amateurs. You wear matching matching pyjamas all year round and you’ve bought them for your pets. Next, his-and-hers underwear, the same trainers in different colours and paired tattoos with an emotionally convoluted meaning that you can spend hours of your life explaining to friends who wish to God you’d stop.
Share every bite
Other couples – those whose love is a mere shadow of yours – eat separate, different meals. You can’t imagine how they bear it. For you not to have tasted your other half’s nasi goreng would mean there was a gastronomic experience you had not shared, and what next? Infidelity? Never. You feed each other, to show this need is mutual.
Document every mundane moment
How many photos a day is too many? Five? 15? Aim higher. Celebrate the first time you touched pinkies, ate sushi together, or sent each other the purple heart emoji. Complete each with a caption akin to a small self-indulgent novel, like an influencer receiving six figures annually to promote love.
Give yourselves a portmanteau name
Top off your disgusting display by adopting one of the smug combination names used by those who’ve lost all grip on reality, ie celebrities. Talk about your union with the same level of awe as Brangelina did between 2005 and 2016. Allow others to be grateful the SmiWarrens have graced them with their presence. Allow them to learn.
