YOUR true love has gone a bit over the top this Christmas with a parade of frankly f**ked-up gifts. What to do with them?
12 drummers drumming
An obvious regift to anyone you hate. Send the drummers to the home of your nemesis at 3am, keeping a frenetic beat. Yuletide joy guaranteed.
11 pipers piping
A perfect complement to the drummers, you might think, but there are too many twats who’d love the full Edinburgh tattoo. March them into the sea while you watch from a crag.
10 lords a-leaping
A tough sell as a gift. But Boris Johnson’s been packing the Lords with Tories so Keir Starmer will be glad of the reinforcements, however springy.
Nine ladies dancing
The regulars from Strictly. Dispatch them to have affairs with C-list celebrities then sell the stories to The Sun. A valuable income stream.
Eight maids a-milking
Farming’s largely mechanised these days. Maybe they still do it the old way with Prince Charles’s heritage organic bullshit? Put them free on Gumtree, someone will take them.
Seven swans a-swimming
Dangerous both physically, because they can break your arm, and legally, because they’re the Queen’s. Fly-tip in a lay-by.
Six geese a-laying
Another mob of intimidating waterfowl, thanks loads. Persuade a middle-class mate that geese are the new chickens and palm them off that way.
Five gold rings
Cash for gold. Put it in Bitcoin.
Four calling birds
The physical manifestation of Twitter. Put in any workplace and soon they’ll have called out so much problematic behaviour everyone will be fired.
Three French hens
Persuade the same middle class mate, who now can’t set foot in his garden for hissing geese, to take them. They’re pure-bred Bresse Gauloise, £50 apiece.
Two turtle doves
Finally something romance-adjacent. Hire out to weddings or just keep around for date night.
A partridge in a pear tree
Plant the tree and eat the partridge. Thank your true love so much for their generous, imaginative and impractical gifts. Ask for vouchers next year.
