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The 90s and other things that aren't as good as you remember

EVERYTHING seems great in retrospect because your memory is flawed. These fond recollections were pretty shit in reality: 

The 90s

A decade of fantastic music, great movies, wild parties and none of this wokeness that’s ruining everything these days. No. You were just young. It was the decade of The Phantom Menace, Boyzone, and Noel’s House Party. Lad culture was unpleasantly sexist and Diamond White was a nighclub staple. It was shit.

Childhood holidays

Today, working your wage-slave job, you remember long stretches of happy, cloudless fun. Ask your parents and they’ll tell you the drive to Skegness Butlins was spent in frosty silence, it rained all week and you sliced your foot open with your spade. Also apparently at that stage you were still wetting the bed.

Warming up by the Vulcan gas heater

You’d come in from the cold and toast yourself in front of this. Fond memories which are, in retrospect, a sign of how depressingly shit your childhood was. Its relentless pinging would piss you off now, and its toasty, glowing grille was giving you carbon monoxide poisoning. You might as well feel nostalgic about asbestos.

Sex

Okay, you’re no good at it now, but you’re old and out of practice. In your youth you were a tireless, expert lover who did it daily. Not according to your old diary, which says ‘Joanne and I did it again yesterday. That’s only the third time in nine months. Also afterwards she suggested I could try thinking of something to make it last longer.’

Christmas

It was good once, it definitely was. It wasn’t always a ballache of throwing cash away, freezing rain, nothing but Bond repeats on telly, dry turkey and disappointing presents. It used to be magical. It’s just you’ve been a bit tired and not in the mood for it over the last 34 years.

Man listing hobbies on CV like it's a dating app

A MAN applying for jobs has listed his hobbies on his CV as if any prospective employer would give a shit that he enjoys ‘foreign cinema’. 

James Bates, aged 26, apparently believes that bosses trying to get £40,000’s worth of work out of him for £18,000 will care about the joy he takes in long walks on the beach. 

He said: “I think employers want to get a complete picture of me as a person. They’re not hiring a robot. They’re hiring James Bates, the man. 

“That’s why they need to know I’m a keen amateur photographer and spend evenings playing basketball with friends. They’re seeing the kind of man who can’t just fill a gap but build their business and enrich their lives.” 

Recruitment manager Sophie Rodriguez said: “He’s clearly a massive prick. He’s applying to work lunchtime shifts making sandwiches and thinks we could give a f**k that he likes ‘reading’. 

“If he can put a bit of ham between two slices of bread without introducing faecal contaminants then he can do the job. And liking foreign films is an obvious lie, so what else is he lying about? His GCSE grades? 

“Unfortunately, no one’s applying for minimum wage gigs at the moment, so I’ll have to hire the dick. But if he starts discussing Iranian cinema he’s on a verbal warning.” 

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