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Teen worried that ear piercing makes him look a bit straight

A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.

Fourteen-year-old Jack Browne is starting to regret getting his left ear pierced in case it subtly suggests he has an unprogressive urge to snog girls and has no interest in kissing boys.

Browne said: “F**k’s sake. I asked the campest guy in class if the left ear was the straight one or not and took his catty advice. Maybe he was pranking me.

“I could’ve sworn the left ear is the one to get pierced if you want to come across as uninhibited by homophobic social constructs, whereas only insecure footballers sport a stud on the right. Clearly I’ve got them mixed up.

“When I walk down the corridor at school all the girls recoil like I’m some predatory creep. Meanwhile the boys mockingly chant ‘straight boy’ at me and keep saying they bet I’d love to get off with Sydney Sweeney. It really hurts to be subjected to that sort of abuse.

“I’ll have to get caught snogging year 10 hunk Ryan Whittaker behind the bikesheds to prove the piercing doesn’t mean anything. But even then people will probably say it’s just a phase.”

School bully Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t wait to beat up Jack tomorrow lunchtime. That’ll teach him to be paranoid about outdated gender stereotypes from the 1980s.”

King gets even older in widely-criticised move

KING Charles has aged a further year despite his already advanced age, with critics of the Palace calling it ‘yet another unforced error’.

The monarch was already 75 and being treated for cancer before the move, but ignored the advice of aides and is now even older, prompting calls for him to stop now before it goes too far.

A Palace insider said: “It’s not his official birthday until June 21st next year, so we’re hoping we can persuade him to take this back.

“He wouldn’t listen to reason. He said ‘Just as my subjects age year on year, so must I’. Yes, but they’re retired, not in important jobs which they’re expected to continue for decades to come. Nobody’s harmed when they’re senile.

“‘My mother aged for decades, and it didn’t do her any harm,’ he said. Well, that’s debatable, but she’d not only just started had she? She had a lifetime of queening behind her by his age.

“What next? 77? 78? Carry on like this and in four more years he’ll be in his 80s. It’s undignified and not what Britain expects of a ruler, which is to be there always unchanged so it doesn’t prompt any difficult thoughts.”

King Charles added: “As compensation for gracefully ageing, I would appreciate the power of teleportation and I wish to control all bees.”

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