WANT to really get on a taxi driver’s tits during the short journey from the pub to your house? Try these techniques:
Be silent
Taxi drivers have a reputation for enjoying talking bollocks, or telling you their dodgy political opinions, so you might decide to stonewall them. Completely ignore their inane banter, don’t say thank you and make sure you slam the door on the way out. Who do they think they are, a fellow human being?
Consume food or drink
Although there will be notices clearly forbidding the consumption of food and drink, disregard them and tuck in. All the better if it’s a messy kebab. If the driver threatens to chuck you out at the next corner, throw the whole thing out the window. That way you can piss off whoever’s car gets splattered with chilli sauce and shredded cabbage as well.
Get your vape out
There are no smoking signs in the car but vaping isn’t the same thing, is it? Anyway, the iced mango breeze flavour you’re breathing out smells a lot better than their disgusting pine air freshener. And so what if the car is so full of smoke the driver can’t see the mirror? He’s got two more on the outside.
Be downright abusive
The driver’s getting paid, right? Treat her the same as you would any other service worker, she’s just a waitress on wheels delivering you, after all. Patronise away, and don’t forget to mention your employment status to elevate your obnoxiousness. Hopefully she’ll find a muddy puddle to park in so your wanky office brogues get ruined.
Refuse to tip
After complaining vociferously about the cost of the journey, proudly mention that there won’t be a tip coming the driver’s way. Despite getting you to your destination in the most efficient manner possible, what else did he do? You only tip when somebody goes above and beyond. And Smooth FM isn’t to your taste, so really you should get an apology and a refund.
Vomit
The quickest way to find yourself swaying on a pavement at midnight and barred from yet another cab hire firm is to be sick all down yourself two minutes after clambering in. And don’t moan about being charged £100 cleaning fee, you’d hit the roof if someone vomited in your beloved Audi. Just pay up and stop being such a bellend.
