subscribe
/ Sign Out

Hard nut only using SPF30

A PROPER hard case is braving the sun with only a small smear of low-strength protective cream.

Fearless alpha chad Wayne Hayes has impressed and intimidated onlookers by stepping out into sunny weather with the weakest recommended sunscreen slathered into his rugged, macho skin.

He said: “Pussies like you might be frantically rubbing SPF50 into your feeble flesh. But when you’re a real man like me, you only need a couple of blobs of factor 30. 

“I slap it on in the morning and I’m done. You won’t see me topping up throughout the day like a cuck. If anything the sun should be protecting itself from me by hiding behind the moon. I’ll f**k it up if it gets any ideas.

“So what if I burn? It’ll heal. And pretending that my red, blistering skin doesn’t hurt will only make me appear tougher. I’ll invite you to give it a good slap and wincingly shrug off the agony to assert my dominance.”

Passer-by Martin Bishop said: “The joke’s on Wayne. SPF30 actually protects you from 97 per cent of the sun’s ultraviolet rays. He must feel like a right mug.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six supposedly safe seats the Tories will hilariously lose in a fortnight

NEW polling suggests the Conservatives could lose up to 300 seats, including these long-standing enclaves of delusional loathing:

Bastardton North, Rutland

In Conservative hands since 1950, this constituency has no voters under the age of 50 and a wall around it to keep strangers away. Normally backs the Tories to the point of the local paper being angry other candidates are on the ballot, until their local MP was caught f**king a tractor. A Russian tractor.

Pantalon-le-Rouge, Oxfordshire

This cradle of the rich, the wealthy and those who look down on them as mere peasants has been solidly Tory since 1865. But, irked by the town centre fountain being sold to China and turned into an open-air sewage reprocessing facility, the locals have turned against their local MP who last visited them in 2020, for a lockdown photoshoot.

Growth-on-Growth, Lincolnshire

This community of low-tax zealots, a Conservative citadel since 1802, is home to more than half of the Daily Telegraph’s opinion writers and economic illiterates. Unable to forgive the betrayal of Liz Truss, still worshipped locally as a fiscal God, they will punish the Tories at the ballot box in the hope their cult can achieve total destruction of the world.

Red Wall Bay, Yorkshire

A fine, upstanding, economically unviable former fishing community, this town has been Tory since 1596 when it was Britain’s largest medical leech supplier. Following the collapse of this, its uranium mines, its asbestos industry, its once-thriving cyanide eyedrop business and Wilko, it blames ethnic minorities. All of them. Even that one.

Genteelbank, Edinburgh

A safe seat since 1084 because its residents are simply too up themselves to vote anything but Conservative, this leafy suburb has long indulged the worst excesses of Tory xenophobia, mismanagement and sexual mania for the right to consider themselves not really Scottish. The Boris Johnson regime helped them accept that the Tories, too, are scum.

Market Forces, Surrey

The seat of Penny Mordaunt, Kemi Badenoch, Suella Braverman, Priti Patel and James Cleverly, all of whom will be kicked out when voters turn to Labour for the first time since 322BC. The population of investment bankers, corporate lawyers and retired foreign despots know which way the wind is blowing. Several ballots will be spoiled by the addition ‘no hard feelings xx’.

Next story ›