TRAGICALLY, most of us have to share a fridge with a family, partner or flatmates. Here are some of the food storage annoyances these irredeemable bastards subject you to.
Not leaving you room
The most obvious annoyance. As you try to make room for the shopping by rearranging stuff in a less-fun version of Tetris you’ll develop an irrational hatred of their food purchases, angrily muttering, ‘Who buys this many f**king courgettes?’ Now there’s not only no room for your bacon, but you’ve been made to feel a bit mental too.
Saving a stupidly small amount of something
It could be a quarter of an apple, 20 baked beans or two cherry tomatoes. Whatever the case it will be in a container taking up way more space than the 5p of food merits. You’d like to tie the culprit to a chair and torture them with knives until they answer your question: ‘WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST EAT THE LAST FOUR GRAPES?’ This is entirely reasonable and might nip the habit in the bud before they start refrigerating a single pea in a casserole dish.
Keeping ear drops in there
Out of the goodness of your heart you’ll tolerate medical products like insulin, but ear drops cross a line. You’ll reach into the fridge to get the Lurpak and instantly be reminded of earwax. Psychologically, the connection has been made, and you may as well be spreading your toast with foul brown gunk fresh from your flatmate’s ear canal.
Doomed leftovers
They’re lying to themselves if they think that unappetising bowl of tuna salad sitting in a pool of liquid as if it’s pissed itself is going to get eaten three days later. Tell them we all hate food waste but they’ve got to stop living in f**king la-la land and starting facing up to reality. And they can stop hanging on to that ready meal that’s four days past its sell-by date. The M&S fish pie is dead. Let it go.
Storing things that don’t need to be refrigerated
The bastards you live with think a fridge contains infinite storage space. Unless you bought it at the Gallifrey branch of Currys that’s not the case, and they’ve filled space belonging to your sausages with jars of Marmite, mustard and honey. Ironically, these scum – and you’re including your partner in this definition – are often the ones who leave the mayonnaise out. Are they just f**king ignorant, or are they doing it deliberately to wind you up? Probably the latter, because they are evil.
Leaving the freezer door open
Everyone knows what happens when you keep failing to close the freezer door properly: the ice planet Hoth. You can’t chip the ice off with a knife without knackering the fridge or your knees by crouching down for 20 hours, so you’ll have to endure the marathon of misery that is defrosting it. You’ll feel obligated to eat at least some of the food that was left in its icy tomb for a reason, eg. tasteless frozen broccoli, and on the one occasion you actually want a copy of the shitty Sunday Times to soak up drips you’ll realise you haven’t bought one for seven years.
Hypocritically hoarding jars at the back
At the back of the fridge are jars of stuff that’s been there too long, but which elicit a scream of ‘Don’t chuck that out!’ from your partner when you try to bin them. They are hypocrites and the only way to cure them is to corner them in the kitchen with a spoonful of two-year-old cranberry sauce, saying with quiet menace: ‘If it’s fine, why don’t you eat some?’ You’ll be amazed at how quickly they decide it’s acceptable to spend the insane sum of 69p on a new jar at Christmas.
