International

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

PRINCE Muhammad of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community after pledging to release more than 20 percent of his country's female hit and run victims.

DONALD Trump has announced that Harry and Meghan have asked him to perform a medley of lounge classics at their upcoming nuptials.

A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia.

A BREXITER believes the Bayeux Tapestry is bollocks because there is no way the Normans could have defeated the British.

DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.

PRESIDENT Trump has blamed his cancelled London visit on Barack Obama selling the US Embassy when he appeared on Location, Location, Location. 

DONALD Trump has proved his credentials as a genius by setting out his scientific theory on the subject of ‘pussy’.

PRESIDENT Trump is locked in a vicious battle with Steve Bannon, his former chief strategist and shambolic, rail-riding alter-ego.

TONY Blair has explained that he was mates with the halfwit president who invaded Iraq, not this butterscotch-whirl-haired knobhead.