International

FOREIGN? Then you’re probably wondering why the mother of parliaments is collapsing like an Albanian pyramid scheme.

DONALD Trump has ditched plans to fire a nuclear missile at a hurricane after officials told him it would rupture the Phantom Zone, releasing a trio of super-villains.

THE prime minister has reassured Britain that, unlike Brazil, it is only burning to ash as a nation in a figurative sense.

PRESIDENT Trump has told Denmark that he does not even want Greenland anyway while sulking and playing with his beloved Playmobil Greenland set.

IRISH residents of mainland Britain have confirmed they are making about 65 per cent of their colourful language up on the spot.

BRITONS have asked their government if it would mind not sending the pound into freefall right before their summer holidays every bloody year.

THE county of Yorkshire should become an independent state, the rest of the UK has urged.

THE United Nations has changed Britain’s status to ‘clown country’, giving us the same international standing as a backfiring toy car driven by a dog in a fireman's helmet.

HEY limeys. Going on vacation? Not looking forward to the gape-mouthed looks from continentals when you admit your nationality? Yeah, I know that feeling.

JEREMY Hunt has told Iran that the big blonde lad over there called them nonces who would not have the b*llocks to officially declare war on Britain.