VOLODYMYR Zelensky played a guessing game with Boris Johnson to ascertain why the former PM was in Kyiv this time, it has emerged.
The leader of embattled Ukraine decided to play guess-the-scandal after seeing Johnson arrive, head bowed, wearing a woolly hat and realising something must be terrible wrong at home if he was here again.
Zelensky said: “As Sherlock Holmes said, once you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
“The wallpaper’s been painted over. Partygate’s history. The memoir’s coming out, which will be shit for Britain but hardly warrants a face-saving publicity stunt. Christ, this is a real head-scratcher.
“My first guess was shagging, obviously, but apparently not. Therefore it has to be money. But not your run of the mill Tory tax blunder, sorry Nadhim. It’s got to be something bigger, weirder, possibly involving a beloved national institution. Am I getting warm?
“You defrauded the NHS of £17 million. No, you’ve not got the skills. Made your dog head of the Arts Council? Sneaked a droit de seigneur clause into the Brexit agreement? Stole the Royal train?
“I think I’ve got it: you helped the current chairman of the BBC get his job because he arranged your loan of £800,000. Pretty specific, but that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? It’s nothing to do with securing us tanks.”
Johnson said: “F**k me, he’s good.”
