Health

CARS are to be banned from the school run and children chased to their classes by angry dogs under new Government plans to eliminate childhood obesity by 2010. 

THE incidence of skin in Britain has soared dramatically in recent years and our hedonistic modern lifestyles are largely to blame, doctors insisted last night.

WEARING Crocs shoes will transform you from a normal adult into a horribly self-satisfied and “self-consciously whacky tosser”, leading doctors warned last night.

IT'S been billed as the biggest event in a generation for people with mouths.

CANNABIS is now more evil than the Nazis and smoking the drug is worse for the brain than watching Richard Madeley on television, new research suggests.

SITTING down dramatically increases the risk of arse cancer and should be regulated under strict new laws, doctors decided last night. 

HOMEOWNERS in the UK are more interested in the value of their house than in the fate of their own children, according to a new survey.

ENTERTAINMENT giant Disney is to remove all images of patio heaters from its films.

FATNESS is contagious and can be caught from contaminated cakes, buns and sausages, according to new research.

CHILDLINE, the charity for abused children, will tell distraught Harry Potter fans, upset at the ending of the final book, to 'fuck right off'.