subscribe
/ Sign Out

Stupidity best cure for anxiety

BEING an idiot is the most effective method for avoiding anxiety, research has found.

After discovering that many Britons suffer from anxiety issues, experts now believe the best solution is to be totally ignorant of any threats and assume everyone thinks you are great.

Psychologist Donna Sheridan said: “Most people are anxious about everything from Trump to terrorism and climate change to whether people like them, whereas idiots are unaware there might even be a problem.

“We found the people least likely to be worried about terror attacks are those who do not even know ISIS exists thanks to only reading Yahoo! News articles about Maya Jama’s hair.

“True idiots are rarely anxious at all, because if something bad happens like them needing a triple bypass from eating lard butties they assume it’s just ‘health Nazis’ overreacting.”

32-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I don’t suffer from anxiety because it’s another of those namby-pamby made-up illnesses like depression, which you can cure by pulling yourself together.

“I never obsess over whether I’ve said or done the wrong thing in social situations, because normally I can’t remember anything after a night out with my mates.”

Human-pig hybrids ‘could find themselves delicious’

COMBINING human and pig DNA could create a species that wants to turn itself into sandwiches, scientists have warned.

After scientists implanted human cells into pigs to grow transplant organs, experts warned the resulting hybrids could become aware of the deliciousness of their crispy bacon flesh with lashings of ketchup.

Biologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “All it takes is for one careless lab technician to eat a bacon sandwich in front of part-human pigs and you’ve got a potential bloodbath on your hands.

“Once they realise how irresistibly tasty they are, they’re likely to break out of the lab and start seeking out white bread, ketchup, a grill and cutting tools, ideally a bacon slicer.

“If they find even the most basic kitchen facilities the results will be horrific. I urge our American colleagues to end this unethical experiment, or at least use unappetising animals like monkeys.

“Scientists must resist the temptation to play God with nature, unless it’s something really important like a new type of shampoo.”

Next story ›