Food intolerances linked to inability to shut your face

PEOPLE who believe they are intolerant to certain foods have been advised to stop going on about it.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that those who claim to be unable to eat things could very easily just not fucking eat them without repeatedly going into tedious monologues about how serious it all is.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Because I’m not one of those utter freaks who became a gastroenterologist I have no interest in anyone’s digestive system but my own.

“And yet somehow Britain is now filled with millions people who can’t open a jam jar without turning it into yet another story about them.

“For a certain type of person, food intolerances are like A Levels. The more you’ve got, the cleverer you are.

“They even had to invent a thing called ‘gluten’, just so that they could be unable to eat it.

“I think it’s something to do with wanting attention. Perhaps saying that wheat makes your eyeballs sweat is like a British middle-class version of alien abduction.”

He added: “One solution to these trumped-up dietary woes is to visit a ‘naturopath’, basically a gimlet-eyed snake oil vendor who wears flannel trousers and writes bad poetry about the Earth having a fanny.”

Naturopath Tom Logan said: “Gluten is a thing and the Earth does have a very beautiful vagina.

“That’ll be ninety quid please.”

Rich to piss money away on degrees for idiot spawn

RICH parents could soon be offered the chance to waste up to £100,000 buying Oxbridge degrees for their cretinous, children.

Universities minister David Willets wants Britain’s top colleges to offer extra places at premium prices because it is an incredibly obvious way of making a lot of money.

Under the plans wealthy, idiotic teenagers will pay annual fees of at least £12,000 a year to pretend to be studying for an arts degree, or £18,000 to sit at the back of science lectures continually asking why the sea is so wet.

And parents could even pay as much as £28,000 a year if they want their spoiled moron to become a terrifyingly dangerous doctor.

Julian Cook, former bursar of Abramovich College, Oxford, said: “Imagine if a university was approached by a parent who said ‘if I give you thirty-six grand can Henry sit at the back and play with himself for three years?’.

“To say no to such an offer would be morally wrong.

“These cretins are going to get fantastic jobs for which they are catastrophically under-qualified anyway so why not unburden their parents of as much of their inheritance as we can possibly get away with?”

He added: “Of course there will be those who insist that success should be based on merit and if so then I’m sure they will be popping their pointless and expensive Apple products in a jiffy bag and sending them to someone in Africa who is much cleverer than they are.

“The fact is, some people have more money than other people and they use it for buying stuff that they want.

“Now you could say that buying education or healthcare is somehow different from buying a warmer house, better quality food, or a large, German car with a five-star safety rating, but I hope you would realise how obviously wrong you are before I reach the end of this sentence.

“Oh dear. That’s a pity. Hopefully your parents are rich enough to buy you a place at Cambridge.”

The government also stressed that some of the money will be used to provide places for poor students who will then go on to write angry plays about class before buying elegant houses in North London and eventually using some of their vast BBC fees to get their idiot children into Oxbridge.