Environment

BANK holiday traffic chaos has hit the UK, with tens of thousands of motorists following each other in neat lines at low speed while obeying all laws of the road.

A CAT has not seen his penis for three weeks, it has emerged.

A MASSIVE spider has confirmed that it is in no way more scared of you than you are of it, so you best just keep walking.

THE pasty people of Britain have just two days to expose their bodies to enough sunlight to last for the other 363 days.

THE UK’s weather has reassured anxious parents it will return to raining solidly for their upcoming fortnight away.

THE heatwave currently hitting Britain has led to a huge rise in people moaning about it.

A MAN has had to examine all four of his dirty plates to see which one is clean enough to put a pizza on.

THE UK is to ditch Trident and spend the £170 billion savings on a retractable roof to cover the entire country.

A MAN’S neighbours are wondering how he could have spent such an insane amount of time mowing a fairly small lawn.

PRO-EU voters in London now believe the country’s rural communities are filled with utterly terrifying rednecks.