Environment

BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.

AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.

BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.

BRITONS are absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of their favourite month of the year.

POLAR bears are to be set free into the Scottish countryside for the hell of it.

A FAT bastard of a pigeon has announced that he will continue to be a prick to other, smaller pigeons.

ARCHAEOLOGISTS believe that Bronze Age families lived much like the middle class of today, with lots of wooden stuff and artisanal pottery.

A DEAD starfish has washed up on a Norfolk beach, where it is being carried around by a dog.

THE prime minister has grudgingly agreed to visit flood victims for one final time, it has emerged.

RESIDENTS of Wales are not particularly alarmed at the prospect of heavy rain, it has emerged.