NO matter how eco-conscious and sustainable you’re trying to be, some items’ destiny is landfill:
Mattress
Just because it was woefully expensive doesn’t mean anyone else wants it. The springs are fine but the memoryfoam remembers your specific unattractive shape and it’s coated in a decade’s worth of semen, secretions and failed relationships.
Dildos
There shouldn’t be any question marks hanging over the background of anything that you’re going to be sticking into your vagina. Don’t be wooed by the incredibly reasonable deals you’ll see eBay. There are some things it’s better not to have pre-loved.
Toothbrush
Mouths are absolutely disgusting; all that spit, food and teeth. Even the mouths of people that you know and love, when you think about them properly. Anything that’s spent its life being shoved around a stranger’s mouth should be avoided at all costs. Even if it’s an electric toothbrush and you can buy new heads: see entry for dildos above.
Wetsuit
Even though you threw away a couple of hundred quid on what amounts to a skin-tight gimp suit during that blissful period between the Guardian discovering wild swimming and the Tories filling the sea with shit, nobody’s going to want it. Everyone knows you pissed in it.
Plunger
A used plunger is forever tainted with the unblockings it serves in. Technically bathing it in bleach makes it as good as new, but it can never forget what it has done. What it has seen.
Dentures
Realistically dentures only come on the market when their owner has died. If you’re of a mind to save a few quid by picking up used dentures, rather than splashing out on some fresh ones that have never spent time in the mouth of a corpse, you already know you’re wrong. Seek help.
Underwear
An item whose sole raison d’etre is to protect other clothing from the ravages of your groin and anus does not get a second chance in life. Unless you’re an OnlyFans model with a sideline nobody wants your used scuds. Burn them.
