Celebrity

BORIS Johnson is to spend the rest of the Tory leadership campaign suspended 40ft above an Asda car park in Macclesfield.

THE UK has apparently gone wild for a perfectly ordinary, boring dress worn by the Duchess of Cambridge that cost almost two fucking grand.

THE Royal gift incinerator is working at maximum capacity, it has been confirmed.

PRINCE Harry has informed his wife that he has received an urgent military call-up and will return from Kabul in November.

THE Duchess of Cambridge has warned Britain not to bother waiting for photos of her new nephew because he is ‘bang average’. 

ARE you desperate to know every last detail about someone else’s baby? Read our slightly creepy guide.

THE Duchess of Sussex has surprised the media by calling a press conference then whipping a cushion out from under her jumper.

DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.

PRINCE Harry has warned young people that social media is more addictive than illegal drugs without anything close to the same payoff.

TROUBLED fashion chain LK Bennett is to be saved by being taken into public ownership because the Duchess of Cambridge likes it.