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Pope credits recovery to modern medicine and healthy living

POPE Francis has left hospital and thanked cutting-edge medicine and his own healthy lifestyle for his recovery. 

The 88-year-old pontiff said that a diet rich in beans, pulses and leafy greens, combined with the latest antibiotics and medical technology, deserved full credit for his beating pneumonia and nothing else was involved.

He continued: “Somebody up there likes me. And by ‘up there’ I’m referring to the doctors and nursing team on the tenth floor of Gemelli University Hospital.

“They worked tirelessly, using medical advances which have saved so many lives around the world, to get me through this and it’s all thanks to those real, physical human beings using techniques developed by rigorous scientific processes that I’m here today. 

“As I return to the Vatican to continue my recuperation, I’m thankful for the faith I placed in them. I’m also thankful to my dietician and to my personal trainer Massimo. He’ll have me back on the resistance bands in no time!

“So yeah, that’s an exhaustive list of everyone who merits thanking for my recovery with no exceptions. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

He added: “Prayer? Come on, this was serious. I almost died.”

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'I am coming for you and everything you love' says Reeves

THE Chancellor has confirmed that she will be targeting you and everything you hold dear in her Spring Statement this week.

Every single thing you enjoy in your life, from simple pleasures like freshly-washed bed sheets through to meaningful connections with friends and family, faces the axe on Wednesday as Rachel Reeves delivers her update on the nation’s finances.

Reeves said: “The Civil Service is a mere amuse bouche. You’re next. Because you’re inefficient.

“Watching sunsets: gone. Domino’s Two For Tuesday: finished. Finding a fiver you’d forgotten about in an old jacket: ancient history. Only grim duties like dental appointments and clearing leaves from blocked drains will remain, and they’ll be heavily taxed.

“My Sabrina Carpenter tickets? Snatched from a family who’d been looking forward to them all year. My haircut? Stolen from a woman who’d really suit a bob but now has to have a pixie crop. This sandwich? The man who made it is over there, lunchless.

“Think about what you hold precious, what matters most to you in life. Whatever it is, it’s being cut to the bone so we can afford tax breaks for hostile foreign billionaires so their demented pet presidents don’t turn on us. That’s the priority now.”

Nathan Muir of Ludlow said: “If only someone loved Rachel Reeves, she by her own logic would suffer devastating cutbacks and realise her folly. But they don’t.”

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