THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.

Take a portable cooker

Guzzling smelly food like an animal is already popular on trains, but for the maximum effect take a camping stove. Frying up a nice bit of liver will save you the cost of a sandwich and really kill some time on a boring journey.

Neglect your personal hygiene

Try not to wash, brush your teeth or use deodorant in the weeks leading up to your train journey. There’s a risk of gum disease or scabies but it’s worth it to avoid some twat looking at porn on his iPad like that’s normal now.

Use the power of Special Brew

Have a couple of cans of Spesh before you board the train, giving your breath a good ‘trampy’ aroma. Then put a few more cans on the table and drink them throughout the journey. The nausea will pass once the alcohol kicks in.

Note: This works best if your journey is to a job interview or date with someone you really like.

Take some bizarre item with you

Dogs and massive suitcases are ideal ‘seat blockers’, but if you take something strange people will be even more reluctant to ask you to move it. Try an old boiler or harpoon gun.

Make a sign saying ‘Do not sit here’

However amateurish, the sign will appeal to people’s natural fear of authority. If someone asks who put it there, say ‘the police’.

Just put your bag on the seat next to you

An obvious ploy, but this is Britain – nobody will ask you to move it. Aside from a few passive-aggressive clucks, there will be no consequences at all except being hated forever by the guy standing all the way from Euston to Stoke.