ELON Musk is on his way out after becoming a political liability. So if you’ve done a lot of bad shit and fear karmic retribution, what is the best course of action? Luckily Elon himself is here to advise.
Don’t bother barricading yourself indoors
It turns out karma isn’t a physical thing that can come and get you like a monster, so it’s a total waste of nine hours boarding up the windows of your luxury penthouse and nailing the doors shut. That’s the last f**king time I ask Grok something.
Go into denial
Deep down you know your misfortunes are your own fault, but thanks to being in deep denial I now realise I am totally blameless. It’s all the fault of the American public, who are too dumb to realise they don’t need social security and that paying $100,000 for an SUV that rarely works is worth it because it looks like a fake futuristic vehicle from a 1980s sci-fi film.
Take drugs
When faced with serious problems, you need the clarity of mind only drugs can bring. It’s worked brilliantly in the past – blazing up a doobie is what convinced me of the feasibility of making people live in claustrophobic pods on the lifeless planet Mars. I’ve also been ‘microdosing’ with ketamine, which is taking loads of ketamine but pretending it’s scientific.
Look for the deeper karmic meaning
Events which seem negative may be part of a bigger cosmic plan, and you just haven’t seen the big picture yet. Unfortunately, it seems the cosmic plan is for me to humiliatingly go back to a bunch of failing businesses like Tesla, whose board and shareholders would like to castrate me with a blunt knife because I’ve wiped out their profits by being a creepy fascist fanboy.
Show humility
This morning I showed humility by tearfully begging Donald to let me stay in his inner circle where I’m safe from going to prison because of all my lies to investors. Then JD Vance said: ‘You can stay if you eat a cat turd.’ With my logical genius brain I realised this was the correct course of action, so he went and got a cat turd and I ate it while they laughed hysterically. But it turns out it was a lie and I’m still fired. Also it must have been a very big cat, now I think about it.
Run
I doubt you can literally outrun fate, but by now I should have been able to hop into one of my terrestrial passenger rockets and hide away anywhere on earth while I come up with a plan. Unfortunately those, along with the Hyperloop, full self-driving vehicles, solar roof tiles, robo-taxis, household robots, flying cars, being a top gamer and landing on the moon, were total bullshit.
Remember your partner loves you
When the world seems against you, it’s a huge comfort to turn to a partner who understands your innermost thoughts and fears. Unfortunately these days I am too much of a weirdo even for fruit loops like Amber Heard and Grimes, so it looks like tonight I’ll be finding solace in the poorly-constructed arms of a Tesla Optimus robot again.
