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Blair To Hand Over Soul At 3pm Today

TONY Blair will today bring to a close his ten-year term as Prime Minister by delivering his Soul to the Devil and all his minions.

After handing in his resignation to the Queen, Mr Blair will take the number 12 bus from Buckingham Palace to the nearby Gates of Hell where he will be greeted by Beelzebub.

He will then be transported to the Underworld where he will hand over his Soul, in line with the pact he struck with the Evil One when he became Labour leader in 1994.

Mr Blair said: “I feel the hand of history shoving me along very quickly towards somewhere I don’t really want to go. This is not a time for soundbites, it’s a time for shitting your pants.”

However, there were doubts last night whether the Devil would enforce his pact, with sources close to Lucifer saying Mr Blair’s Soul was “totally worthless” and not worth collecting.

One minion said: “The Devil thought he would get a nice clean Soul from a principled politician but has ended up with a grubby little thing from a lying scumbag. It’s turned out even worse than the Barrymore deal. He’s not happy, I can tell you.”

On the plus side, the minion said, Mr Blair had handed over the Soul of the Labour Party some years ago, which the Devil now has displayed on the wall in his downstairs toilet.

Despite this Beelzebub is apparently so annoyed by how tarnished Mr Blair’s Soul has become that there are doubts as to whether he will even meet the former Prime Minister this afternoon.

“Basically the Devil likes to be the most devious and nasty piece of work in the room, and if he isn't he gets a right mardy on,” said another minion. “He’s terrified Blair will show him up.”

Pete Doherty Accuses Bassey Of "Joint Bogarting"

DAME Shirley Bassey may have been a big hit with the Glastonbury crowd but she proved much less popular backstage after refusing to share her drugs with her fellow artistes, The Daily Mash can reveal.

The Welsh singing sensation engaged enthusiastically in the VIP party scene after her Sunday afternoon set, onlookers said, but proved extremely adept at bogarting joints and very reluctant to give any of her stash to others.

Pete Doherty, 28, singer and lead drug taker with the group Babyshambles, said he had generously given Dame Shirley four toots on his crack pipe and a couple of diazapem but was disgusted to receive absolutely nothing in return, "not even a lump of hash".

His girlfriend, the model Kate Moss, 32, said Dame Shirley had acted like “her best pal” when she was chopping out lines of cocaine, but was nowhere to be seen once the drugs were all gone.

Mr Doherty said: “I have to say that both Katie and I were quite taken aback by Dame Shirley’s lack of manners and her completely selfish approach to drug taking. What kind of an example is that for a woman of her standing to set the young and impressionable?”

Dame Shirley denied she had been mean with her own drugs and said Moss and Doherty were most definitely mistaken as both had got “off their tits” on substances she had provided.  

She said: “I gave them loads of top gear which I scored off Ken Dodd last week. I can only assume they were so mashed they forgot where they got it from.”

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