Arts & Entertainment

AS he celebrates his 60th birthday Mark E Smith has pledged to be ‘less mainstream and easy going’.

A MAN is unsure if the humorous travel book he has just read is of a high enough standard to qualify as lavatory reading.

DAVID Cameron and George Osborne were in charge of putting the names of Oscar winners in the right envelopes, it has emerged.

AN ADULT human has scolded herself after spending almost 30 seconds giving a fuck about some bullshit that happened at the Oscars.

TEENAGERS have declared themselves privileged to live in the golden age of music represented by flame-haired genius Ed Sheeran.

A NEW BBC Scotland channel will show English period dramas with voiceovers from Scottish people calling everyone ‘bawbags’.

A MAN instinctively knows that all music made since about 2002 is shit without even having to hear it, he has revealed.

PLATINUM-SELLING band Coldplay challenged 40,000 fans attending a concert to name just one of their hit songs.

A BARISTA at a fashionable urban cafe has been sacked for playing The Lighthouse Family.

ADULTS who only read books for children are thrilled at the announcement of a new trilogy by His Dark Materials author Philip Pullman.