subscribe
/ Sign Out

Worth camping out for, says f**king nutcase

A DAZZLED Royal-watching nutter has proclaimed that the Jubilee has proved well worth camping on the Mall and crapping in carrier bags for.

Nathan Muir, 42, said: “The balcony moment, the fly-past, the lighting of the Tree of Trees: it’s been incredible. Every piss in a bottle was worth it.

“For the Queen I’ve spent the last seven days living like a homeless heroin addict. The cold, the rain, the exposure, waking up to find rats nibbling my sandwiches – that’s nothing compared to the sacrifices she’s made for her country.

“People say ‘Your life is empty, Nath’ or ‘You need more than just the Royals, you need real friends’. Well they’ve been proven dead wrong.

“Honestly, on Thursday with front-row seats to see them standing half a mile away on that balcony, Harry and Meghan rightly excised, I was the happiest man in Britain. That glow will last for months.

“Platinum Party at the Palace was mega. I didn’t have a ticket, but you could see all the lights and hear some of the songs. Now this afternoon it’s the Platinum Pageant. Apparently there are corgi puppets. I can’t wait.

“Then, after it’s finished, I’ll go home to my bedsit in Nuneaton knowing I live in the greatest country in the world with the greatest monarch and life doesn’t get any better than this.”

Jubilee no longer sounds like a real word, Britain agrees

HAVING heard the word ‘jubilee’ so much over the last few days, the public agrees it no longer knows if it is real or not.

After being relentlessly bombarded with the term over the course of the long weekend, it is now nothing more than a series of consonants and vowels which have lost all meaning.

Roy Hobbs from Kettering said: “If you asked me a few days ago I would have been able to tell you with certainty what jubilee meant. But now my best guess is that it’s some sort of medicine, or maybe a breed of wading bird.

“Although that doesn’t explain why I see it plastered all over shop windows and the telly. Maybe there’s a closing down sale and all jubilees must go. I should probably buy a couple, just in case.”

Kelly Howard from Wrexham said: “I tried looking ‘jubilee’ up in the dictionary to see if that would help, but it only made things worse because I was repeating it to myself like a lunatic as I flicked through the pages.

“Apparently it means ‘a special anniversary of a sovereign’s ascension, usually celebrated at 25, 50 or 70 years’. So at least if that’s right we shouldn’t have to worry about hearing it again for a while. Thank f**k.”

Next story ›