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Six songs that are about how down to f**k Santa is

FATHER Christmas wants you to call him Daddy, and according to these musical masterpieces ’tis the season for him to get some. Listen and believe: 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, The Ronettes, 1963

The conceit of the song is the innocent child, not realising Santa is his parents, seeing mummy kiss daddy. But was it really necessary for his father to dress up like that to put presents under the tree? Is it not more likely the real deal? And how long does the child watch for? Long enough to write a song about it, the creepy little voyeur.

I’ll Be Your Santa Baby, Rufus Thomas, 1973

A funky number in which old St Nick, true to form, promises to ‘slide down your chimney and bring you lots of joy’ but goes on to make the whole situation uncomfortable by adding ‘what I got for you, mama, it ain’t just a toy,’ suggesting a dangerously inflamed LoveHoney deliveryman.

Santa Claus Got Stuck in my Chimney, Ella Fitzgerald, 1950

Anyone who believes this is an innocent Christmas jingle hasn’t fallen down the infinite hole of Pornhub’s bizarrely popular ‘caught in washing machines’ genre.

Santa Claus is Back In Town, Elvis Presley, 1957

The original hip-swinging horndog embodies a spirit of Christmas that lustfully focuses on ‘being a real good girl’ and asks the listener to ‘hang up her pretty stockings and turn off the light’ before he comes down her chimney. What will happen to the mince pie left by the fireplace is unrecorded but filthy.

Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’, Albert King, 1974

In this song, Santa ponders the moral and ethical repercussions of seeking intimacy with married women. Either that, or croons about how much he doesn’t give a shit about turkey or Christmas cake and just wants to bang MILFs.

Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt, 1953

The sexual attraction to Santa Claus, known as Santaphilia, is dated to the release of this song. Eartha leaves the jolly old elf in no doubt that she is willing to exchange sexual favours for lavish gifts, a quid pro quo the dirty, magical bastard will happily take. It won’t be a sooty footprint he’s leaving in front of the fireplace as evidence.

Claims that Gen Z do not drink slightly undermined by prevalence of pissed-up kids

ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go. 

Despite press coverage about the sensible and sober-curious younger generations eschewing alcohol in favour of being mindful, Britons are continually encountering those aged 18 to 28 off their tiny, unlined faces on booze.

Nathan Muir of Woking said: “I expected I, and the other members of Generation X and of course the Boomers, to disgrace ourselves with our dated consumption of alcohol.

“But instead I arrived at my Christmas do to find the young, and indeed those pious millennials, putting back the vodkas at astonishing rates. Slurring their words before the first course was served. Getting off with each other before the pudding was aflame.

“Joining merrily in, I asked Jordan the junior data executive how this was the case when his generation’s changed relationship with alcohol means 28 per cent of them have learned to process their emotions without booze. He was too slammed to reply.

“I assumed it was just the kids at my place, but on the walk home I had to weave past shitfaced Gen Zers before a train that was like Wetherspoons after an open bar. So I am forced to conclude it’s all bollocks. Which is what I usually conclude pissed anyway.”

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 23, explained: “Our generation is uniquely weighed down by financial and social pressures so prioritises mental health. And we’ve discovered getting wankered really helps with that.”

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