Six iconic film and TV vehicles that were actually a bit shit

REMEMBER how cool cars and vans used to look on film and TV? These six would be a pain to own and drive in real life.

The General Lee – The Dukes of Hazzard

Cousins Bo and Luke Duke looked effortlessly cool as they slid across the bonnet of their orange Dodge Charger and jumped in through the window. Yet when nine-year-old you tried it with your dad’s Ford Escort, you dented the bonnet and nearly broke your neck clambering through the window. At least it didn’t have a dodgy flag on the roof.

Invisible Aston Martin – Die Another Day

A car that’s nearly as shit as the film which spawned it. Finding your car in a supermarket car park is hard enough as it is, so imagine trying to find this bugger when you’ve popped out for a meal deal. Plus someone’s probably left a huge dent in it after trying to reverse into an apparently free space.

KITT – Knight Rider

An indestructible crime-fighting car that could talk to the driver wowed children in the Eighties. Except anyone who’s used a car’s sat-nav knows how infuriating it is to have a robotic voice coolly telling you how to get out of your housing estate. You’re not even on your way to bust a nuclear weapons shipment, you’re driving to the dentist.

The A-Team van – The A-Team

The A-Team, having promptly escaped from a maximum security prison and embarking on a life as fugitives, decide to travel round in a huge black van with a distinctive red stripe down the side. They couldn’t have been more conspicuous if they tried. Yes, it looked cool, but if you pulled a similar stunt you’d be caught and banged up within minutes.

The Flintmobile – The Flintstones

Fred Flintstone seemed to have it all. Good job, huge house, hot wife. His car was a piece of prehistoric crap though. Not only did it have rocks for tyres, but poor Fred had to power it with his surely bruised and blistered feet. It didn’t even have any storage space. Why didn’t he pick up an oversized rib on a woolly mammoth instead?

DeLorean DMC-12 – Back To The Future

The only cool thing about this car was its time travel capabilities, and even that was a ball-ache. How are you supposed to reach 88 miles per hour as you awkwardly meander around country lanes or inch your way through commuter traffic? Also the gull-wing doors would only be an impressive novelty on first use. After a week you’d be trading it in.

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The wide-eyed tourist's guide to f**king off the locals

OFF on your holidays? Want to annoy the locals with your infuriating enthusiasm? Do these things.

Eat in non-tourist restaurants

Tourist restaurants are there for a reason. They rip you off and keep you at a safe distance from the locals who actually know how to eat their spaghetti with a fork. If you want to f**k with the natural order of things, stay away from eateries that have laminated menus with English translations and try to pay with the wrong currency.

Try to prove you’re a local

You spent a long weekend in Vienna in 2005, so naturally this makes you an expert on the area. Wander down the city’s streets and loudly explain its history and customs to your friends while getting the details wrong. Was Mozart born on this street? Who cares, he was now. For maximum irritation, present cliched stereotypes as if they are insider knowledge.

Assume you’ll be understood

You abandoned Duolingo after two days, but that doesn’t matter because English is a universal language. Cheerfully ask people for directions in your mother tongue while channelling all the colonial arrogance you can muster. Foreigners are bound to appreciate the opportunity to practise their conversational English. Either that or they’ll sigh and walk away.

Show people what a great time you’re having

Foreign cities are real places with real people going about their busy, stressful lives. The last thing they want to see is a bunch of delighted tourists clogging up the streets eating ice cream in the middle of the working day. If you really want to piss the locals off, form a massive queue at their favourite lunch spot and loudly rave about what a relaxing holiday you’re having.

Photograph everything

Looking at amazing landmarks and thinking ‘that’s nice’ isn’t enough. You need to take dozens of photographs of them, as well as regular shops, the pavement, and any manhole covers that grab your attention. When you do so, be sure to abruptly stop in the middle of the street so people walk into the back of you. Will you share any of these snaps on social media? Of course not.

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